Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Channeling my inner Elaine

Remember that old Seinfeld episode when Elaine has the arduous task of finding the perfect pair of socks for Mr. Pitt?

And how she gets him tight ones, loose ones, skinny ones, fat ones - and none of them are quite right? And in a fit of rage, he throws a torrent of socks around the room while Elaine covers her head in the fetal position?

Well, let's just say that in my life I am Elaine, and the Husband is Mr. Pitt.

Now Lord knows I love me the Husband. Love him more n' my luggage. He completes me, and all those other trite movie cliches, if you know what I mean.

But, man, the guy has got some serious sock issues.

For Easter, I got him some very nice, soft, not-too-tight (or so I thought) Ralph Lauren socks to wear with his suits. Hunted at several stores, and fondled dozens of socks in my quest. I happily found the perfect socks and spent a pretty penny to get them. And the Husband liked them, he really did. Except for the tiny, microscopic part at the top is just a wee bit too tight. The rest of the sock fits like a dream. But he rejects them due to a quarter-inch bit at the top.

Mind you, these socks leave no marks on his calves. No sock tattoo remains after he takes them off at the end of the day. But still, he cannot be comfortable.

And goodness knows, we want the man to be comfortable.

[What with him spending all day earning the money and such for me to spend on my frivolous, bad self.]

This is not the first time my sock hunting skills have failed me. I've tried getting him looser socks, and he hates those because they just fall down. I've tried tighter socks, and he hates those because they're too constricting. He hates them for being too scratchy. Or too silky. Too thin. Too fat. Too long. Too short.

[INSERT EXPLETIVE OF YOUR CHOICE HERE]

So he's resorted to wearing his old ones, with holes in the toes, and he laughs while telling me that the airport security people ALWAYS comment on his poor holey socks.

Not knowing, of course, that he's got about 19 pairs without holes sitting rejected in his sock drawer at home.

I guess it means that this Elaine will just have to continue her search for the ever-elusive pair of socks for her picky Mr. Pitt.

It's a good thing that he's so darn lovable. Otherwise, I might have to sock him in the jaw...

17 comments:

Stefani said...

My hubby has sock issues too. He now buys his own socks. He pays a lot for them, but he doesn't complain anymore. I think he buys a lot of them at REI.

He says one of his "simple pleasures" in life is a pair of good socks. (I don't thin he realizes that the word simple here is not the correct choice of descriptive word)

Lauren in GA said...

"Sock him in the jaw..." You kill me.

I know! You should get him those little footie socks with the colorful pom poms at the ankle. They are never too loose and never too tight. He can even wear a different color each day of the week. Please tell him how much I LOVE those socks.

Christy said...

He must be related to my husband. It's not socks with my husband, it is shirts. Must be athletic cut (tapered) with button down collars. I can't find them anywhere, so he wears his threadbare shirts to work. However, my youngest son has the sock issue. Not so much with how tight they are, but he wears all of his socks inside out. Heaven help me, I live with a bunch of loonies.

brooke said...

My husband is a sock snob and it horrified whenever he sees me wearing socks with holes--which is pretty much all the time.

My husband loves a certain brand of dress socks--I think they are Joseph Aboud and he gets them at TJ Maxx of all places.

Good luck. At least your husband has sock issues and not other issues...

danandcindy said...

I really like how your blog addresses the critical issues of our day.

Tristan said...

I'd sock it to him if it were my hubby! ha ha! ;-) No you must be more patient than me, because I would totally throw the socks at him and tell him to buy his own then.

Cathy said...

Oh, my. This hits too close to home!

Jen said...

Love Elaine...at first I thought this was going to be about dancing. My husband swears by the goldtoe brand.

Rochelleht said...

Wow. I've never bought my husband a pair of sock in our entire marriage.

jessica said...

No sock issues here...unless you count the fact that he can never put them where they belong...in his drawer or in the laundry basket.

danandcindy said...

Actually, you always reminded me more of Kramer.

Diane said...

Are you sure he's not your father's son? Those boys do have a thing about socks. I believe your dad's thing is "gold toes"!! fussy,fussy,fussy!! too funny! And by the way...I'm going to keep my soda in the refrigerator from now on. Hope is works. Kimberly said my baking crisis was just something that happens when you become a grandma! Not funny Kimberly!

Statman said...

You could save a fortune in time and money, plus make the Husband very happy, if you would just darn his [explicative deleted] socks.

What you need is a sweet, grandmotherly woman (possibly named Bertha) who could help you in this area...

Jenibelle said...

You could always knit him the perfect pair. He could pick out just the right yarn and he can try them on every 10th row for the perfect fit. I'm a (expletive) genius.

Becky said...

He just has to give all the new socks a chance. Give em a chance. Throw away the holey ones and see what happens. No socks with his shoes?

Gabi said...

Don't you know all the Halvie men have foot issues? Haven't you seen my dad loving massage his teeny little feet with fine oils and fragrant lotions? Haven't you seen Miggs' toenails?

I say do not go "below the knees" with JD ever again. His feet. His problem.

Also, while we're talking crazy family idiosyncracies. Luke refuses anything with mayo or anything "too creamy". What?! I'm shipping him to your house.

Cindy said...

That would be when I resort to allowing him to choose his own socks. You're a good wife!