Thursday, April 1, 2010

Callling all evil geniuses

Let's just say you happened to get together with some friends last night, had a spectacular time, and ended up staying out until the wee hour of two in the a.m.

And let's just say that at the unholy, dark, evil hour of four-thirty in the a.m., an alarm starts ringing somewhere in your room. It is not your regular alarm clock, and you scramble about trying to find it. After much blind rooting, knee bumping, and swear-word-uttering, you find the source of the awful ringing.

In a pillow. Stuffed under your bed.

You scratch your head, puzzled, wondering how or why it got there. But the comfort of your bed pulls you in as you drift back to sleep, even overriding your slight annoyance at the Husband for sleeping blissfully through it all.

Unfortunately, your regular alarm clock goes off at the usual unholy, dark, evil hour of six in the a.m. You painfully pull yourself to an upright position and wonder if you can bribe the hospital to hook you up with some diet coke intravenously. You stumble in a daze to the bathroom, splash some cold water on your face, and discover that all of your bathroom towels are missing.

And, just when you thought it couldn't get any stranger, you hear your cell phone ringing. You get that heart-stopping feeling of, "Holy frick, something's wrong!" grab your glasses, and put them on your wet face as you fly down the stairs. On the way there, you trip over some toys that you could swear were not there last night. You get to your cell phone, buried in the very bottom of your purse, just as the caller hangs up.

Scratching your head, you wonder what cruel joke the universe has decided to play on you until you walk into the kitchen and see your oldest son, falling on the floor in a fit of giggles. His face is red, he can barely sit up straight, and he utters the words, "APRIL FOOLS!"


While I love my firstborn more than my own life, at that moment, I seriously considered sending him back to meet his maker. I wondered briefly if they'd let me take a nap in jail.

But instead, I smiled, and told him that he won't know where, he won't know when, but someday I'd be coming for him.

So what I require here is your help, internets. I need your best tricks. I need your evil genius. I need something that he will never expect. Something that will make him think twice before placing that alarm clock beneath my bed next year or stealing my bath towels.

Please help me in my sweet, sweet revenge, won't you?

This troll must be stopped in his happy little tracks.


3leftturns said...

Well, there is the old reliable- a soup shower. Put bullion cubes in your showerhead and send him in to get ready for tomorrow.

Make beet cookies and he'll think he's bleeding internally...

Go to walmart, buy a dvd, take off the magnet thingy, swipe a magnet against it 30 times and stick it to him, and he will set off the alarm.

I'm guessing you don't own a soldering iron, so unfortunately, most of my other tricks won't work for you. However-

You can always tell him he's adopted.

Check youtube... there's some great ideas there.

Rochelleht said...

WOW! Those are some ideas. Unfortunately for me, all those cruel jokes this morning weren't jokes. It was my sad real life. UGH!

Linn said...

My friend's mom rubbed dry jello into the kids' towels. You don't notice it because it mostly gets absorbed, but when you get out of the shower and start to use the towel, the water on your body mixes with the jello and turns your body a lovely shade of whatever color of jello you happened to choose. Fantastic I say!

Ilene said...

No idea. My kids are too small to play jokes on me so I haven't learned to retaliate.

However, my husband has played the best joke of all: Going to work in Ohio for the entire week of Spring Break.

Fran said...

Plain old hanging, drawing and quartering is a good trick. The effects tend to last somewhat beyond April Fool's Day though.

Joy & Casey said...

THat is hilarious!!! Your kids make me laugh!!! Good luck with the revenge-you do cook his food and do his laundry-he better beware! You could always replace all of his underwear with pink ones??? See-not super creative. Be sure to post what you decide to do!

Tristan said...

Seran wrap on the toilet seat ;-) then make him clean it up! It's an oldie but a goodie.

I would murder my child if they did that to me!! But it is totally funny to laugh at you! ;-)

Annemarie said...

oooooooooooooh. That boy had better watch his back.

I loved the "nap in jail" comment. So true, so true.

Lauren in GA said...

You cracked me up with, just like Annemarie said, the, "nap in jail" comment. I also enjoyed your wondering about the probability of getting the hospital to hook you up to a Diet Coke IV drip.

I have got to say...that boy got you goooood...but he is gonna get his come-uppins.

I like the ideas you were given here. The beet cookies one is sinister. Nothing like thinking you are dying ;).

Lauren in GA said...

Ohhhhh, I just read Linn's comment. That is good, too.

Muncey said...

Go down to your local store and buy up all of the most girly bedroom stuff you can and decorate his bedroom with it.

Some Strawberry Shortcake or Hannah Montana sheets, Bedspread, etc. should cure him of his April Fools trickery.

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Anonymous said...

Christie, bless your heart because i've been in a really cranky mood until now. I love you for this. I'm laughing out loud! Brilliant comments here too!

Rude April Fools' joke that. Play with the food. If i knew ANY cooking, i'd have showered you with advice. The beet cookies sound fabulous. I'd even ask you to be mean and add some red chili powder but i guess a mum cannot do that. Maybe. I'm asking. Can she??!!

Kim N said...

I love it! We have fun with April Fool's jokes at our house too, but my kids are younger than your son so they are fairly simple and I usually know what they are doing so I just play along.

The Diet Coke comment cracked me up. When my mom had a hysterectomy when I was a little girl my dad, in cahoots with the nurses, filled an iv bag with DC and put a label on the bag and hung it next to her bed. It looked like it was going into her arm, but it wasn't really hooked up. My mom, and all of her visitors for the next few days, got a kick out of it.

Matthew said...

Put a rubber band around the hose at the kitchen sink, get him to turn the water on.

If he uses bar soap, take it and cover it in clear nail polish.

Super glue all his money together.

Make these cupcakes

Pour salt in his toothbrush

Take a bunch of Oreo s, scrape out the white stuff and fill the void with toothpaste.

hot glue tacks to the toilet seat.

Get a box of jelly donuts. Squeeze out as much as you can. Using a turkey baster fill them up with mayo, or mustard

Short sheet his bed.

Take a can of soda, poke a hole in the bottom and drain it all out. Fill it with vinegar or prune juice. Use hot glue to close the hole back up.

Lala said...

When he's in his room (with the door shut) Saran wrap the top section of his door way, then call him to come quickly...
OR when he's in the bathroom or any room with the door shut, lay down on the floor, so just your head is in the door way and wait for him to come out and scream.

OR... get paper/dixie cups fill them with water and fill up the hallway outside his door, so he can't get out without moving them or making a mess.
hee hee hee, this makes me smile just thinking about it.

Lala said...

PS Jeffrey (6 years) thinks this whole thing is HILARIOUS!!! He wanted specific details on how this ingenious child was able to fool his own mom. =)
Ask Maren about his joke on her last year.

Robyn said...

That's so funny! I don't know what you should do to to your kids, but I think you should have a pregnant friend take a pregnancy test for you so you can trick your husband!

jessica said...

I did the towel thing but with koolaid to my roommate when we were in college.

I think you need to do something far more embarassing though. Like go to his school during lunch looking like a tooth, ratted hair and make him eat lunch with you. Do something public for sure...that will get him good!

Travelin'Oma said...

I did an April Fool's joke and nobody even noticed. I'm going to incorporate a few of these into my repertoire. Mack is genius.

danandcindy said...

You know I am the master of this type of evility. But I would never share my secrets with you.

I absolutely love that Mac is torturing you in my absense. He's a man after my own heart.

McKay said...

Good times good times

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Ben Holt said...

Put a rubber band around the sprayer on the sink, aim it well, hope it doesen't hit your husband.

calibosmom said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! That is hilarious. I think you should be proud of your evil little genius. He is being raised by a fun loving and hilarious mother. Of course, you will have to get your revenge. This year I got my revenge on my oldest who leaves his socks EVERYWHERE. I started gathering the little darlings early in the week and then on the first of April, I stuffed them all into his lunch box. He was not amused at school when he pulled out his snack full of socks but his friends and teacher sure got a laugh. Paybacks a .....