Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Resistance

Have you heard? The world is going to end tonight. The righteous will be taken up to heaven, while the rest of us will be left here to burn with the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bernie Madoff.

Exciting.

I have every confidence that I will NOT be taken up to heaven with the righteous, as my sins are quite grievous. Just ask Hannah. She reminds me of them daily.

In fact, she started a club in our family a few weeks ago which she named The Resistance. There were only two in our family worthy enough to be granted admission into The Resistance - herself and the Husband.

They had many secret meetings in which a charter was offically drafted. Rules were made and promises of loyalty were said, the breaking of which would result in death and chastisement from Hannah (a fate probably worse than death).

The rules of The Resistance are this:

1. No swearing EVER.
2. No use of substitute curse words (like frick, eff, beyotch, and crap)
3. You can like Lady Gaga's songs, but not her personality or her clothes
4. No eating any food from McDonald's (especially diet cokes)
5. No repeating words or lingo from the old tv show Battlestar Galactica
6. No wearing of immodest clothes

Since I am pretty much guilty of at least four of the six cardinal sins of The Resistance, there is little chance for my salvation. And as the boys are guilty of violating rule number five on a daily basis, that leaves them behind for the burning, too.

Instead of crying repentance and begging her forgiveness, I'm stocking up on ice, diet coke, People magazine, and preparing myself for the worst. While I don't think it will be entirely pleasant to sit in a burning pit of fiery damnation for all eternity, I kind of picture it won't be all that different from Missouri in July.

In a way, I think eternal damnation for me will be quite familiar and homey.

Nice.

13 comments:

The Favorite Things Guy said...

I've already failed five out of six. DARN!

sistaoutlaw said...

At least you'll have lots of time to spend catching up with Dan!!! See you there!! Thanks for making me laugh. I would have commented sooner, but I've been busy spending my last precious minutes holding a large sign on my local street corner.

Julianna said...

I.
Am.
Doomed.

But just in case, I wore makeup so I could look good if I meet God today. :)

jessica said...

It's good to know I will be in good company...with Hannah!


Thank goodness she said Diet Cokes and not chocolate shakes.

Are damn and hell really bad words? They are in the scriptures. As long as I'm not damning anyone to hell I should be good right? That's the only one that might keep me out.

danandcindy said...

I'll miss you.

Kelli said...

you are hilarious. And since I have survived 2 miserable MO summers, I know I will survive the eternity of firey damnation. I think I, too, will go stock up on diet coke and People. Sorry you didn't make the Resistance cut.

calibosmom said...

Just remind Hannah it will be hellish without your cooking anyway so she might as well stay here with you. Loved this!

Karey said...

Oh oh. She included crap. I'm in trouble.

And I heartily agree--Missouri in July is hell. And I mean that literally, not as a swear word.

Annemarie said...

This is frickin' hilarious!

Jeanelle said...

we can start our own club, right? I mean, come on. Who wants to be in their boring club? We'll at least have way better refreshments in our club so that makes it totally awesome already.

Heidiram said...

I figure going straight to hell couldn't possibly be any worse than being a middle school teacher for the past 1 1/2 years . . .

Lauren in GA said...

This was so, so, so, hilarious!!!

At first I was confused about #5. Then, when I read on I nodded knowingly and asked myself, "How could I have forgotten about the brothers? I have no doubt that my boys would dig some Battlestar Galactica.

You should let the boys watch Buck Rodgers and instruct them to quote that show daily...that will teach The Resistance to mess with non members.

Dalene said...

Darn that good little girl, Hannah! (Does darn count as a substitution?) I can't be part of her club, either. I guess I'll bring my DC and join you in purgatory.