Thursday, June 19, 2008

Travel Tips from Zion

Greetings, internets, from Zion National Park.

Have you ever been here? It is so beautiful. Sheer, towering cliffs of red rock, hot desert air, and wildlife abound. We have spent two days hiking, shopping, swimming, and hunting reptiles. I have observed some very interesting things down here, and thought I'd share a few with you.

Because nothing is better than reading about someone else's vacation, right?

I know. Sorry.

Anyhoo, it has come to my attention that there are a lot of women in the world who, for reasons unknown to me, do not shave. ANYWHERE. It is all I can do to not hand out disposable Bic razors to every hippie/European/granola girl I meet. I'd also like to take them for an eyebrow wax and shoe store visit, but first things first. ARMPITS, girls. It's just plain disgusting.

If my waitress/restaurant cashier is literally 10 years old, I will not blindly trust her skills when she rings up my dinner bill to $80 for a few cheeseburgers. It is a good idea to have her re-check the math before paying.

Hiking in 100 plus degree temperatures will bring the poor little princess Hannah to tears. She will proclaim today as the worst day of her entire life, and resign herself to laying down and dying there on the trail.

This fervent declaration will still not produce enough guilt to entice me to carry her sorry self up the steep mountain, much to her chagrin.

She will survive the mountain hike, but find herself terrified of the man-eating squirrel that will decide to take a bite out of the Husband's finger for no apparent reason. The man-eating squirrel does not carry mad squirrel disease, of this I am sure. But if the Husband starts foaming at the mouth anytime soon, I might need some help from Dr. Google on how to treat rabies.

If there is a "fossil and gem" store, DO. NOT. STOP. Stopping will have Chase suddenly finding every item that his heart has now, or ever will, desire, and I will have to spend an hour talking to the kindly owner of the store while Chase peruses the crap for sale merchandise. I will find myself unable to concentrate on anything but the man's lack of teeth.

How does a person not have teeth in this day and age? I just don't get it.

And lastly, watching people argue in another language is really funny.

Until they stop their argument to stare at you. Then it's not so funny. It's just embarrassing.

But as I walk away red-faced, I will not lose heart. For although I may be a rude, staring American, at least my armpit hair isn't longer than my husband's.

And that, internets, is enough to let me sleep well at night.

30 comments:

Shally said...

YOU are 35 minutes from my house!

I have no idea how you are hiking in this heat!

And what IS with all the armpit hair???

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

Even on vacation you haven't lost your sense of humor!
Loved it....loved it!
Do tell us where are all these women with the armpit hair?
I am so glad to know you are not in that group. Shew...I feel better!

Becky said...

We went there over Spring Break. Chilly at night, but the hikes were NICE! We knew we wouldn't attempt hiking there in the summer due to Eric's physical problem of profuse sweating in 70 degree weather. Have fun, though. We sure did! I loved the tram system...and you??? (I know just the gem stores you are talking about). Crowded there in the summer???

Mique (as in M-i-c-k-e-y) said...

C- funny even with the vacay report. Glad to know the heat hasn't gotten to you yet.
As for the armpit hair- I have found that it's much more common when doing outdoorsy-type stuff (ie, hiking). So I avoid all outdoorsy type stuff so that I don't have to look at hairy girl pits (and for many other reasons, but that seems like just as good a reason as any other).....
stop at my favorite stores in St. George- Iron Station, Krumpets and Tai Pan. Tell them Mique sent you- they will know me because I'm the one who drops buckets of cash at them every time I visit.
Enjoy the rest of your trip.
P.s. Are you going to SD this summer? You mentioned it a long time ago but I'm not sure if it's still on...I'd love to meet up with you and eat a good burrito or get a pedicure or something. Let me know.

Annemarie said...

Oh, thank you! I needed a good laugh tonight! And, welcome to Utah...land of lots of Mo's & LOTS of armpit hair.

TravelinOma said...

Poor Hannah. I can sympathize with her. I would probably lay down and whimper until you carried me, too. ❤

Lindsey said...

If you need help handing out razors.. please let me know. I would LOVE to help you!

Kimberly said...

Just found your blog. That was hilarious and armpit hair IS disgusting.

gab said...

I think you should give a shaving workshop at the family reunion....just so the next generation knows what to do!

Allison said...

Hi, I am one of your lurkers and I just had to comment on this one. I grew up not far from Zion, LOVE IT! And you are so right about the Europeans there. I think they all flock to that park just to give you an unpleasant whiff of their BO when you pass them on the hikes. It is terrible! Hope you get to do my favorite hike Angels' Landing, it may be a little steep for your youngest.

Amber said...

Our contractor who is working on our basement is currently in Zion. Just yesterday, I commented to Hubby, "I would rather die than go there in their peak season with all those tourists and that extreme heat."

I will now add armpit hair and toothlessness to my list.

Lauren said...

I have never understood the connection with long armpit hair and being, "environmentally conscious". As I have asked before...do you think the connection is that seeing long pit hair makes people want to vomit and vomit is natural and organic?


Thank you for sharing all about your trip. I loved hearing all of it! I will stand at the ready to google rabies treatments.

Julia said...

As a former riverguide in the Zion's area, I have to comment on the hairiness of the women in the that area. Yes, there are many (I was not one of the them ... I could be on the river for 5 days and still find time to shave in dirty water). I believe that it's a unique combination of hippiness, laziness and a backward attempt of disassociation. It was scary enough that after 2 years of guiding I realized I did NOT fit in with those people and fled back to Provo, never to return.

Thanks for entertaining me with your fun blog!

3leftturns said...

You think it's bad just SEEING granolas with hairy armpits!!! Try living with them for 8 solid days. Oh yeah, and I had to eat VEGAN for the whole time. VEGAN! Not even any milk, honey or eggs! Come on people, get a life! And that was the good part... they condemned me to hell because I eat meat. Like it's my fault the cow was murdered! I grabbed meat at every gas station and restaurant. I enjoyed EVERY. SINGLE. BITE. And having to hear them whine and banter about how bad hunters are because they are only out for animals heads and they are the spawn of satan...yada yada yada!

Hear more about my whiny banter at this archived post: http://3leftturns.blogspot.com/2007/03/dont-carry-rocks.html

Ashlee said...

Thanks for the tips! :0) Though....as far as armpit hair goes...I figured every woman was REQUIRED to shave that! I know some choose not to...but why? *she asks as she shakes her head in disbelief*

Polly said...

Sounds like you are having amazing adventures on your Vacation!

Susy said...

I love Zion We are from Vegas and it is a treat to go there. Hey if you get down to St. George eat at Chuck O' Rama we love it, down home pioneer Mormon cooking. It's Buffet style. The kids love it. I just posted my fam's vacation blog, longer then yours but I can certainly relate. Summer was grabbing everything at Disneyland that involved Tinker Bell. We finally gave her 25 bucks and let her loose in the Tinker Bell store. Not that 25 bucks is a ton but it satisfied our Summergirl!

Kristy said...

I'm still chuckling at your post as well as "lauren" & "3leftturns" comments. I always like to tell people who are against meat eaters that our Creator gave us canine teeth for A REASON! They are strictly for the tearing and shredding of meat...duh! These same people amaze me...it's horrible to eat or use any animal by-product, but it's okay to have an abortion??? Give me a freakin' break. (Sorry for the "f" word, it just gets me riled up.)
One of my favorite SNL skits from the 80' or 90's is where the girl has super long armpit hair & borrows the guys brush. Totally gross, but hilarious!

My last thought...the real meaning of PETA...People Eating Tasty Animals! :)

Kristy said...

Oh, I forgot as I was on my soap box, thanks for the Zion tips! My family wants to go there soon. My parents went in the fall of the year & said it was fabulous!

Family Adventure said...

Clearly you're having a fabulous time!!

Heidi

Anna said...

I don't get the armpit hair either. We lived n Germany for 2 years and were always grossed out/amazed when we saw a pretty woman at the neighborhood pool notice her friend across the pool yard then raise her arm and wave as she called the friend's name. So unattractive, so unattractive. Never mind the B.O. on buses and in public venues. I love America!

Jessica said...

So, um, I will read about YOUR rendition of vacations anyday.

Funny funny funny.

AMY said...

C-
How did I go so long without reading you daily? LOL! You cracked me up...sad to say the toothless people with armpit hair are probably my neighbors...welcome to So. Utah. Home of first class humans! Hope you're still enjoying yourself, regardless.

Wendi said...

Glad to see that you don't lose your sense of humor while on vacation.
Hilarious!
Thanks for the information. I will mark Zion's National Park right off my list of possible vacation destinations. I can find plenty of toothless, non-arm-pit-shaving folk right here in the good ole south.
Have a great time. Hope tomorrow brings just as much laughter.
(and good blog fodder)

Ilene said...

I hope you come home with lovely tiger's eye and turqouise jewelry from those great roadside stores...

danandcindy said...

Your armpit hair may be well trimmed, but your moustache is getting a little shaggy.

Hollyween said...

Whoa. I have issues with armpit hair too. And pubes that hang out of swimwear.

And I don't understand the no teeth thing either. Seriously.

Nichole Jolene said...

love the park!

Tribe M said...

You had me giggling uncontrollably! Thank you! You are so hilarious! Especially at the fossil and gem bit. Sorry to hear about you cutting San Diego short for the sick kids. Poor babies and poor you!

Bennie said...

You have great travel tips! Especially the re-checking of restaurant bills before payment... what a super idea, never thought of it, I'll definitely have to remember that one for my next trips!