Monday, April 7, 2008

A Top Ten List for the Husband

For many months now, I have been spouse-less during the week. The Husband has been on the road every week, racking up those frequent flier miles, and getting stranded at airports all across the country.

But come Monday morning this week, the strangest thing happened. I woke up and he was home. That six a.m. flight? Did not have him on it.

I almost didn't know what to do with myself. It was very confusing.

So, in case any of you ever find yourselves in this position, I thought I'd present you with my Top Ten List of Clues that Your Husband is at Home. Lest you get confused and call the police on the strange man eating out of your refrigerator in his sweatpants.

Number Ten:

You know your husband is home when quite suddenly, your car has to share the garage. And she's not very good at sharing. She likes to park right in the center where children cannot bang her doors on anything or get scratched.

Nine: The usually manageable loads of laundry look like this:

Eight: Your bathroom is filled with the musky scent of this (and hopefully not because you have been wearing it):

Seven: Suits needing dry cleaning will miraculously appear out of nowhere and clutter up your bedroom furniture. You will smile for a minute and wonder sarcastically just who will be taking that suit to the cleaners.

But only for a minute.

You know you'll make him do it.

Six: When the alarm goes off at this unholy time in the morning, there will actually be someone in your bed saying OUT LOUD in their grown-up, manly voice, "Time for us to get up."

That can be very unnerving, for usually the snooze button is hit several times before that happens.


Five: You will be eating this for dinner instead of feeding the kids macaroni and cheese, and munching on the Lucky Charms straight out of the box.

Four: Keys and wallets will be left out on counters and tables. They will not belong to you, and you are pretty certain they do not belong to your ten-year-old.

Three: The brownies you made in the morning will mysteriously have large chunks missing. The children WILL be innocent, of this you are sure.

Two: Sparklers, ice cream, and caramel topping will be combined with your pan of brownies to satisfy sweet tooths and pyromaniacal needs.

And the number one clue that your husband is home:

The covers neatly tucked into the foot of your bed will look like this in the morning. And you know with a certainty that you did not sleep on that side of the bed last night.


Still, it's nice to see this face once in a while in the mornings.

Even if he eats all the brownies and plays with fire in the kitchen.

46 comments:

andrea said...

classic! don't forget the midnight nudge for lovn. a SURE sign.

we should get our husbands together. mine is a combat engineer. he blows things up for a living. or maybe we shouldn't...

Amanda said...

Great list, Stie! I hope that your hubby is home for awhile. Enjoy your brownies while you fold all those clothes!

Michael said...

Man, that bbq pic makes me hungry for artichoke and asparagus. I hope you cope okay with your M-F stranger.

Rosie said...

Can I come to your house for dinner? Plus~I hope it was a rockin' fun time pulling those sheets out of the foot of your bed.

Kim N said...

You don't know me, but can I come to your house for dinner? That food on the grill looks SO good! I didn't even know you could grill asparagus and artichokes like that.

TravelinOma said...

Sounds like a giant party. I hope he doesn't wear out his welcome!

Dancin Queen said...

BBQ--YUM! Sparkling brownies? Yum!

kacey@doodlebugspaper.com said...

SWEET!! And the brownies and ice cream look YUMMY!!!

Sally said...

I'm just laughing, this post is so true. Every part of it. My husband travels every week. When he is home, I always get a shock when I pull into the driveway and the garage door opens to reveal another car in there! How dare he. That place is my car palace. And then in the house I am wondering--whose keys and wallet are these? Why is the bed such a mess? Where did this extra laundry come from? And last, but not least, doesn't he know that's not how we do things here?

I loved this post.

gab said...

Adorable post!!

Josh has not changed...fire and treats. I am kinda freaking out because Brad is the same. I guess I married my little brother. Weird.

Summers Camp said...

Oh come on! I wear Axe all the time. *B

Maren :) said...

SO glad that good hubby of yours is home for two seconds! He really is what E' Ballard was telling husbands to be like!) (It is a good thing he won't read this and know that, deep down, I think he's cool... don't tell, kay?) And, um, can I PLEASE come over for dinner?!? Pretty, please?

(PS And, just so you know, I don't think for one minute you will have him drop off the dry cleaning!) :)

Purple CJ Diva Duckie said...

Cute post. Loved the pictures with the explanations!
When's the next time you are cooking that for dinner? :-)

Meggan said...

That dessert is awesome. I wonder, do the sparklers make the brownie taste better? I know of some deserts that were meant to be on fire, but brownies wasn't one of them. Congrats on having him home!

Heeere's J-dude: said...

Those grilled veggies look fabulous - I've never grilled artichokes? Is there a trick to it or just cut and throw 'em on? Wow! I need Stie lessons!

Kristy said...

The cover thing is SO my Joe. He HATES corners tucked & works feverishly to kick them out. (I wonder why he never just pulls them out before he lies down??) He's a brownie bandit too, but I'm glad he hasn't thought about adding pyrotechnic touches to his dessert!

Oh, and dinner looks great. Maybe you should work something out so that he can cook for ya'll at blogapalooza!

Lisa @ Take90West said...

So fun!
I hate the cover thing too...when my husband is gone making the bed in the morning is so much easier!

Bridget said...

Great list, Stie. I say amen to all of that. Nathan gets to park his car in the driveway while my car gets the garage to herself. I still forget when he is in town that I need to watch out for his car as I'm backing up. I've had a few close calls over the past several months.

You do know about the great services they have now where they come pick up your dry cleaning at your front door? We do that. Because I don't do the dry cleaner.

Lindsey said...

Oh Stie,

I am so glad your man is home... even with the problems he causes... :) What on earth does that man do that makes him gone so much??? I totally know how it is though.. my husband travels (though not as much) and I have my own little planet when he is gone.

Emily said...

Ah Ha! I relate to you so well on this post. I do love the husband being home--but seriously, is it so hard to walk your pants 5 more feet to the left and put them in the laundry bin instead of just in a heap on the floor?

Holly said...

Sweet post! It is always nicer when they're home, isn't it?

RobynandJoe said...

Great list! Your dinner looked SO GOOD! Why do men insist that the countertop is the best place for wallets and keys? Have fun with your hubby!

momy4him said...

even though my husband grates my nerves most times when he's home i sure hate it when he's away.
glad your hubby is home!

Paige said...

I LOVE this. It's my life too! He's in Boston this week until Friday and I'm so excited to take over his side of the garage. it's annoying to squeeze the bikes over. I also like to leave the trash cans on his side for easy dumping. One time two weeks ago I had to make dinner because he was bringing someone home and I could not think of anything to make. He had to remind me of his favorite (only) meal I cook. Cashew mandarin chicken. I burned the rice.

Rochelleht said...

Oh, so classic! Mine was in bed this morning, too and I didn't quite know what to do. Even if he isn't traveling, he is always up at 5 and long gone before we see the sun. I so love having the whole garage to myself, though.

DanandCindy said...

I was just waiting for the photo of what Josh left in the toilet. Holy cow, give the man some privacy in his own home.

Ashlee said...

How fun to find that kind of surprise in the morning! :0)

I had to laugh at your bed picture because my hubby refuses to keep his sheets tucked into the bed on his side. After this many years, I have given up on making the bed. He just rips out the sheets again EVERY NIGHT anyway. Sigh. It's a good thing I love him! :0)

Kimberly and Devon said...

Did you get a mini van??? What happened to your cute Honda Pilot? Having Devon home constantly, until recently, at first, was very strange! All of a sudden, I had someone who wanted to join me in the shower and insisted on watching Fox News during lunch instead of my regular Soap. Now, that he's not home all day...I really miss him and sometimes turn on the news just to pretend he's there!

Gosh! Sparklers, brownies with ice cream, and delicious bbq...we just might need to come visit! Enjoy your hubby while he's home! Love ya!

Christie said...

Kimberly,

We did not, nor will we ever, get a mini-van. That is my cute Honda Pilot. Just looks very van-ish from the picture. :D

Family Adventure said...

I am so happy he's home for once, Stie.

Heidi

Amy Jorgensen said...

I can relate...Don't forget to mention the underwear on the floor right beside the laundry hamper. There is a reason my husband does not play for the NBA, and I see it every morning -- he can't shoot a basket to save his life. But I will take it if it means having him home.

Kimberly and Devon said...

Phew! I'm glad to hear you didn't get a mini van...I'm right there with ya...I will NEVER get one either!

Christy said...

Hi! I've been reading your blog awhile - you are so much fun. This time I had to comment. There are two signs when my husband is away 1) The coffee filter is not sitting in the sink (bonus) and 2)The dead bolt is not already unlocked (bummer). Another bonus: no big dinners to fix. One more bummer: I have to do all the driving of the kids to all of their precious activities...

~Me~ said...

Thank you SO much for the laughs. Are we married to the same man? I am an AF wife, so I know exactly what you mean. Thank you!!

calibosmom said...

Awwww...that was really sweet. I need to take grilling lessons from you-artichokes on the grill-never tried it-need recipe! Sorry, can't relate. My husband is ALWAYS home!

Annie said...

Ha, ha. I had to laugh at the minivan question & wondered if you had gone over to the dark side :)

I have one to add: there are conversations in the house after 7 p.m. (Are you still sticking to the early kids' bedtime? I request a blog post about your bedtime philosophy. It's so close to my heart...)

Amz said...

Great list. The end of my bed always looks like that on my hubby's side - untucked. I have to have my side tucked in or I have a very confused and restless sleep.

crystal said...

Well golly. I thought the sparkler was symbolic of what happens in that messed-up bed with the husbad is home. (THAT is a sure-fire sign that The Man is home.)

Lauren said...

Lady, you are a riot! I loved every word of this...even though my husband only has 1 out of town conference a year.

You are just so clever and fun to read..."Lest you get confused and call the police on the strange man eating..." Seriously, so funny!

Wendi said...

You are too funny! I love your little list. I am a "list girl" too.
I hope your husband is home to stay for a while. Have a great week!

Hollyween said...

VERY creative post. Will you give me some ideas? Because right now I got NADA. Besides, yours are so much more fun to read. And everyone loves a good sparkler brownie!!

Celia Fae said...

Those transitions are rough on us. We have to finish our milk when Daddy is home. And when he gets into bossy work mode, changes happen fast.

41 Comments, Queen Christie.

Amber said...

Socks. Shoes. Everywhere. That is how I know my hubby is home. It is the first thing he has to kick off and leave in the middle of the floor when he comes home.

Somehow, kissing me seems like an afterthought.... :-)

Jenibelle said...

I have to laugh, the grass is always greener....
I am the one who leaves early every morning for seminary.
In 26 years my husband has gone somewhere 5 times without me. I am the absentee wife, leaving 2-3 times a year. My 75 times vs. his 5. I win!

By the way, impressive dinner and I get the garage ALL to myself, he parks outside. Well trained.

Tribe M said...

Ok SO Funny! I laughed most at the last one about the sheets because that drives me crazy every morning. Well and night since after untucking my husband manages to end up giving our bed a sheet wedgie thus leaving me cold and shivering all night.

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