Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Is it possible that I'm not as attractive as I think I am?

McKay (or who shall now be called the Son Who Gets Cut Out of the Will) asked me what appeared to be a purely philosophical question yesterday.

"Mama, if you could change anything about the way you look, what would it be?"

I was thoughtful for a moment and then said, "I'd probably get rid of all my freckles."

His face scrunched up in a REALLY, THAT'S IT? kind of look. I took a deep breath and asked him the question that sends men everywhere running for cover: "WHY, what do you think I should change about my looks?"

And he answered me, internets. He actually answered THAT question.

"Well, I'd make your eyes bigger. And your nose smaller. And your ears bigger. And you have too many freckles on your neck. And maybe you could have better hair."

Umm, yeah.

Clearly, he has not yet learned that when a woman asks ANYTHING about her looks, size, face, hair, clothes, eyebrows, muffin top, weight, freckles, or pinkie toe, you reply with, "Why no, honey, you're perfect just the way you are."

Because I am, you know.

And there's nothing like a nine-year-old boy to make you suddenly so insecure. Do I have a big nose? Are my eyes small and squinty? Are my ears too small? Can ears be too small? Yes, I know the freckles are a problem. But my hair? Is it really that bad? What else is wrong with me? And look, LOOK, at my behind. It's HUGE. I'm like a tank walking around with all this girth. And all this flab around my waist? I'm like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. And what about my feet. I have horrible feet. And I hate my eyelashes. They're so ugly. Why do I have to have these bird-like arms? I hate my mouth, too. I'm a freaky, mutant animal, I tell you. THAT'S WHAT I AM - AN ANIMAL. I'm hideous. Look away, lest I burn your retinas with my Quasimodo-esque face. I'm SO UGLY!

After my womanly tirade is over, The Husband sighs, looks up from his football game, and calmly replies in that Pavlovian way all husbands should, "Nah, you're perfect just the way you are."

He at least was brought up right. Can't say as much for his son.

16 comments:

gab said...

Just consider the source...nine year old boys think mac&cheese is gourmet, glow-in-the-dark is fabulous and passing gas is hilarious in any form!

Soon he will recognize your true beauty. But not too much. You gotta worry about boys who think their moms are totally hot.

p.s. Yes, I am totally planning on NYC...but didn't want to say anything in case you were gracefully trying to live your own life without me! Call or email with details please and I will make myself available!! Thanks for being inclusive...can't wait to see ya.

Bridget said...

That is so funny. Poor McKay. He really had no idea what he was getting into. And ears too small???Huh?? That's one I've never heard before. Maybe he hasn't seen too many of his friends' moms to appreciate your beauty. Then again, you don't want an Oedipal complex like Gab said.

girlymama said...

Humm.. Husband should consider taking boys out for donuts on Saturday morning and telling them the secrets of male survival. Like saying, "No, you don't look fat in that. You never look fat in anything!"

p.s.
My husband has a VIVID memory as a child telling his mom that he thought she wasn't very pretty. And it haunts him to this day. seriously.

Annie said...

I think this is as good a test as the eye chart...McKay needs to get his eyes checked!

Holly said...

Okay, never ask McKay the vital question, "Does this make my bum look big?"

Kudos for a well trained hubs! This was too funny--and sweet in its own way too :)

Celia Fae said...

Maybe next time he talks like that you could stuff a tampon in his mouth. I hear they absorb all kinds of offensive garbage. I'm sure Hannah would be happy to help you.

Marty: said...

Men don't learn tact from their mothers, they learn it from their wives. A few blunders into his own marriage and he'll learn the answers. I asked Dee recently "Does this belt make me look like I have a waist, or does it emphasize the waist I have?" After a thoughtful moment he said, "What's the right answer?"

Kimberly and Devon said...

That made me laugh so hard!Where do kids come up with this stuff anyway? I too, like the husband, think you are perfect just the way you are. Practically perfect in every way!

Chatter said...

Thanks for the laugh! Funny and sweet all at once. I liked Gab's response "consider the source". LOL. Have a good day :)

sheila said...

i have the perfect solution - go to your fridge-get out the tub of ice-cream,scoop out a big bowl - and enjoy - your bound to feel better, at least temporarily.

(it is a pork roast, and it's very easy)

DanandCindy said...

I've always had to call you things like "loser", "slut", "dummy", "fartface", and things like that because there is nothing to insult on the outside.

Stie: My Favorite Things said...

Ah, Daniel. I have always enjoyed your terms of endearment. Still do, you ugly loser dummy head.

Amanda said...

Thanks for the laugh! Sorry...
I'm with sheila though! Eat some icecream and ENJOY it. =)

thimblefingers said...

Hey...like mother. like daughter....I'd be afraid to find out what he'd change on me....if your nose needs to be smaller...

dcrmom said...

Sounds like your Hubs has some work to do with that boy. :-)

Diane said...

Too funny!! "Quasimodo-esque face"!!! I always wanted freckles!! I'm getting a little self conscious about the nose thing though...I heard it never stops growing! AAUGH! I'm in agreement with all the other internets...you are a natural beauty...and one can't improve perfection!!