Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Wigwam Brownies: A lesson in historical accuracy

Brace yourself.

I have come up with a new Thanksgiving invention that is sure to turn the world on its politically incorrect head.

You see, when I, ever so insensitively, posted my Tee Pee Cupcakes four years ago, I did not take into account the inaccuracy of my racially-controversial table decoration.

I imagined that homemakers all over America would delight in creating something for their Thanksgiving holiday that would, not only please the eye, but taste good, too.

Oh, how foolish and wrong I was.

I was not creating a simple holiday treat.  I was promoting racism.

Did you know that the Indians First Americans who helped our clueless Pilgrim friends did not live in tee pees?  Did you?

I didn't.  And my prolonged promotion of incorrect stereotypes has probably set back the Indian First American movement at least another 600 years.

Those poor First Americans.  Stereotyped into tee pees at Thanksgiving all these years.

The horror.

Thanks to the dozens of people who have found the time in their no doubt uber-busy lives to send me lengthy emails correcting my mistake from four years ago, I have decided to correct all of you, as well.  Because it's the right thing to do.

Listen up, racists:  The First Americans that helped the Pilgrims lived in Wigwams.  Like these:


NOT tee pees, like these:


So, with my historically accurate Wigwam photo and a plan, I set out this morning to create a culturally sensitive Thanksgiving decoration for you.

I mixed up a pan of brownies according to the package directions and let them cool. Once they were cool enough to handle, I scooped a large blob of brownies out of the pan and shaped them into a dome shape like this with my hands:


It took about half the pan of brownies, as the brownies got very compressed when I squished and molded them. This means that you only get two Wigwams per box of brownies. And if you're eating at a Thanksgiving table of 28 like I am, this means you need roughly 14 boxes of brownies, three dozen eggs, and a pint of oil.

Totally worth it. We MUST get this right, people.

Once shaped and molded into the proper, accurate Wigwam shape, melt a cup of chocolate chips and pour over the Wigwam.


Crush up several oreos and sprinkle them over the melted chocolate. While the chocolate is cooling, start in on making some decorative accessories to go along with your Wigwams.

I created an entire forest of Eastern Woodland pine trees, on the assumption that these trees actually existed at the time of the First Americans. Though I did not research this facet of my Thanksgiving table thoroughly, I am sure my dear, educated readers will write and correct me if I'm wrong.


I also took some tootsie rolls and starbursts to create a fake fire. It would have been more historically accurate to have a REAL fire, but I was worried about small things like, you know, the house burning down. Or my children suffering third degree burns.

Trying to be true to history can be quite dangerous. But it is SO. WORTH. IT.  I definitely recommend real fires on your table if you can manage.


When your Wigwam chocolate has cooled, pipe some realistic looking sticks and a door onto the Wigwam. This is harder than it sounds, as the dome shape is a tricky angle to work with, and the oreos make the chocolate crumble right off.


Once everything is assembled, it is ready to be the centerpiece of your politically correct, racially-sensitive, historically-accurate, non-offensive Thanksgiving table.


And, you know what? It looks SO MUCH BETTER than my silly, inaccurate, dumb, little tee pees.


Yeah, you're welcome.

P.S.  Check out this month's Parenting magazine, page 65.  But be warned, they have inadvertently featured my inaccurate, controversial tee pee cupcakes instead of my newly accurate Wigwam brownies.


Jessica said...

You have COMPLETELY superseded your previously levels of awesomeness with every aspect of this post. (my favorite line? SO. WORTH. IT.)

Charlotte said...

I think I love you.

danandcindy said...

This will go down in history as the best stiesthoughts blog post ever. I have absolutely nothing to mock at this time. You have managed to officially piss off the msnbc type leftists who are hellbent on pointing out your dog whistle style racism and and will be using their Saul Alinsky tactics to isolate you, and re-educate America as to her evil origins. You are officially my hero. For the first time in my adult life, I am proud to be your brother.

I am making wigwam brownies as we speak.

Tristan said...

I F*cking LOVE you!!!! :)

Cindy said...

Love. It. I am so impressed with your creativity and clever mind. Nice job!

Amanda D said...

The question is...did Parenting give you credit? That's awesome if they did!

Love the wigwams... :)

Miss Kendra said...

But I would rather eat the incorrect place setting. I love the cone and the pretzels.

Jeanelle said...

I find you to be extremely enjoyable. Beyond, even.

Thelma said...

You delight me. Happy Thanksgiving.

Kimmy said...

You are such a hero! :) Both the tee-pees and the wigwams look wonderful! To be honest I couldn't really care less if it was historically-inaccurate. If I get cake I'm happy.
Kimmy x

Lauren in GA said...

Oh, my gosh, Stie...your BRILLIANCE astounds me. Oh, the irony...I loved every word. I am even reading this to my husband.

"Listen up, racists" *SNORT*

...and congrats on the Parenting magazine!! Of course, I hope they can weather all of the corrections from the angry, politically correct homemakers. I think somehow they will be able to forge on...

Seriously girl, you are so awesome.

Paige said...

14 boxes of brownie. Sure to be another internet sensation. I'm glad your insensitive craft so thoroughly educated you and the rest of the world. I see those teepees all over pinterest and think what a terrible person the girl who made those must be.Then I want to eat one.

brooke said...

I love every line of your politically incorect blog. 14 boxes of brownies? deserve a medal!

Karey said...

Most enjoyable post. Gotta love small people with too much time on their hands.

Travelin'Oma said...

And to think I missed out! They look darling and delicious!

Amy at Ameroonie Designs said...

We must not forget that were it not for the uber-informative and corrective e-mails from so many we all would have missed out on the awesomeness that is the Wig-Wam Brownie. So thank you historical accuracy in treats society (that's HATS for short)! Hats off to you!

The UnMighty said...

Do you know how to make any treats that look like smallpox covered blankets?
Come to think of it, that may be a bit of a downer for a holiday dinner. Just stick with the chocolate bee hives. No ones offended by bees.

Kimmie said...

You are hysterical. Thanks for the good laugh. Of course I'm going to make some of these right away.

jessica said...

Thanks for the politically correct dessert...I am still dying over the 14 boxes of brownies, 3 dozen eggs and pint of oil!!!! I was a pre-school teacher for six years and apparently not only am I racist but I was instilling racism in my wee ones...whoops! Oh and my dear husband just left me for 24 days to live in a hotel in St. Louis while he trains for his new job...if you are as close as I think you are to where he is staying and have a desire to feed my sad, skinny husband let me know :)

Anonymous said...

Rock On Baby Girl

Lala said...

So, so funny!
Thanks for another lovely Thanksgiving project. I think the brownies are on sale right now, I should run out & get a couple (dozen) boxes.

Lala said...

PS the FIRE is actually my favorite. I think that'll come in handy someday-
It's pretty cool.

shilo said...

I'm rooting for this to make the rounds on Pinterest!

Florence Parker said...

Another reason why I love you! Hilarious.