Monday, May 3, 2010

How to tempt the universe: Step-by-step instructions

Step one: Read this blog post and immediately pop over to Amazon to order this book. Wait a week for your book to arrive and find you have no time to actually sit down and read it.

Step two: Make the time to read it about a week or so later, and begin eagerly one evening before bed. Find yourself laughing, crying, and repeatedly waking the Husband up to read him passages from the book.

Step three: Pause, look around at your life and think these famous last words, "Man, I am so blessed. I have it so good." Put the book on your nightstand with a smile and fall blissfully asleep.

Step four: LITERALLY EIGHT MINUTES LATER, be awoken by the blood-chilling sound dreaded by mothers everywhere: Your girl child puking and coughing all over her bed.

Step five: Jump out of bed, and help her get into the tub. Throw sheets and blankets into the washing machine, and begin the laboriously painful process of scrubbing the carpet.

Step six: Hear commotion coming from the bathroom, and go in to find that your oldest boy child has stumbled into the bathroom and - ONE FOOT FROM THE TOILET, MIND YOU - stood there and puked all over the bathroom floor, whilst his sister sits shrieking in the bathtub.

Step seven: Take three seconds and try to keep your head intact on your shoulders. Curse silently under your breath. Fume madly. Step into action. Remove girl child from tub, insert oldest boy child. Create makeshift bed for girl child out of blankets on the floor. Continue scrubbing carpet, break your fingernail so far down that it bleeds, and consider updating your resume to read, "Can simultaneously remove puke and blood from carpeting." Decide you really don't want that job and mentally crumble up your resume and throw it in the trash.

Step eight: Get oldest boy settled in bed with strict admonition to MAKE IT TO THE TOILET NEXT TIME. Return to finish cleaning puke off every surface in the bathroom.

Step nine: Two hours later, crawl exhausted back into bed. Have the Husband roll over in a fake-sleepy voice and say, "Hey, what's going on?" Consider choking the Husband. Decide against it as you'd probably have to clean the toilets in jail, too. Roll over and attempt to fall asleep.

Step ten: Curse the universe. Vow to never tempt that cruel, cruel mistress again.

Any questions?

29 comments:

danandcindy said...

Whenever I think about you, I puke too.

Kari said...

Oh yuck! I'm sorry to hear that - hope everyone feels better soon.

Kathy C said...

You don't know me, but I just wanted to tell you that I think your posts are hilarious. AND you need to get yourself a barf bucket. Or two. Be sure to line them with trash bags so you don't ever have to touch the stuff again... (If you also hold your breath while tying up said trash bags after they've been used, you don't have to smell it, either. Your stomach will thank you.)

Stefani said...

Ha Ha Ha! Tee Hee Hee! I'm sorry for laughing at your terrible misfortune, but you have just written what every mom knows about from 1st hand experience in such a humorous way that it almost makes me want to try and tempt fate by reading that book. It sounds like something I'd like (the book, not the barf)

kayla & tyler said...

oh my gosh! what an awful night, I'm so sorry!! I hope everyone gets feeling better! if my husband had said that exact thing, I would have been SO irritated. wow.

Emily said...

Ahhh, so sorry Stie. And love the "fake-sleepy" voice, as if they don't know all along what's going on. And I assume from all this that today you have kiddies home sick needing to be nursed by a doting mommy--good luck, snuggle up with Hannie and watch some good musicals.

Lauren in GA said...

Your powers of desctiption are utterly incredible.

I literally balled my hand up when I read about the broken fingernail.

The universe is a total hag. She probably can eat whatever she wants and doesn't gain weight, either.

Thelma said...

My oldest can't make it to the toilet either. Why?! Why?!?

Sorry about your misfortune. There are few things worse than sick kids.

Stephanie @ Figments said...

That post was hilarious! But why why why does it always happen at night? I'll take on puke any time of the DAY!

Fran said...

From your description of this, I wondered whether cleaning the toilets in jail sounded such a bad thing in comparison ...

brooke said...

Why are the husbands magically able to "sleep" through all of this kind of stuff? I've learned to give mine a swift kick as I get out of bed (it also works when I get up to nurse a newborn--just so they don't say "wow--he slept through the night" the next morning!)

jessica said...

Horrible...just HORRIBLE! I hate puke and the only thing worse that regular puke is puke in the middle of the night times two!

The book sounds good though!

Cathy said...

My three-year-old just puked on the carpet in his bedroom this morning. Chocolate milk puke. I look forward to the day that he at least attempts to puke in the bathroom...toilet or not. And I hope your kiddos feel better soon. Puke is not good.

Tristan said...

Oh man! I've so been there. Why does it have to happen in the middle of the night?? I'm sorry my friend! I hope your kids are feeling better. And that you don't get it either!

Allison said...

LOL, but only because I've done that too, and you will when you read it happened to someone else.

Thanks for leaving a comment. I always get so excited when I get comments from famous bloggers.

Amanda D said...

Alright, so I'm tempting the universe. I put the book on hold at the library. Here's hoping I don't have a night of vomit ahead of me!

Jen said...

I think that's why I have a permanent knot on the side of my head. I'm constantly knocking on wood to avoid things like this. So at what age do kids finally make it to the toilet? Hope everyone's feeling better.

Rochelleht said...

I swear your kids get sick more than any kids I've ever seen. Or heard of, that is.

Elizabeth said...

Sorry about the puke and the fingernail. Your resume must rock with all your multiskilling and all!
I sometimes think "oh I love my life and then quickly think please universe dont stuff it up on me" That universe she is fickle!

Kimberly said...

Oh man, sounds like you and I could have been calling one another during the middle of the night to cry and complain about sick kids! We've had the same thing here, except I was the one to get it first and every on else followed! I feel your pain...hope everyone gets better soon! stupid universe.

mae said...

I love how the girl child came into your bedroom to puke all over your bed instead of going into the bathroom!:)

The other week I had one puke red number 40 (apparently he had been sneaking some of my diet cherry dp) all over the living room carpet literally 2 inches from the tile entryway. puke sucks.

Hope everyone gets feeling better. Oh yeah that book sounds sweet. I really have a hankerin' for some bakery air...(and a donut too).

Meggan said...

So sorry friend. Here's to sweet dreams tonight. And thanks for the book recommendation!!

Travelin'Oma said...

I have a husband like that, too. Maybe they're related! I hope everybody's better REALLY soon!

Annemarie said...

bleh. That just really, really bites. You deserve a HUGE diet coke, a day at the spa and a gorgeous new outfit.

Why, oh why can they NOT just make it to the toilet???????

Gabi said...

So funny. So sad. So true. It wouldn't be Mother's Day week without some bodily fluids.

I'm going to get that book. It sounds, well, AWESOME.

Feeling Just Right said...

Owww! Hope the kids are better, your finger is healing well, the carpet got cleaned an that the husband got a bashing! Why are guys like this? And how come you mothers are so good? One peck on the cheek for being such a good mum! (i'm going to go give mine one too asap.)

Annie said...

sounds like it's time for a refresher viewing of Jessica's barf training video clip.

Seriously, the moment I say "ah, this mothering thing is going okay" or "my kids are so great" that ironic universe swoops in and makes me EAT MY WORDS.

Hope the sickness is abating around there.

Cindy said...

So sorry to hear about your day/night! What a nightmare.

Robyn said...

That was OUR night two nights ago! Only, I was ALSO one of the three throwing up. So my husband had no choice...he had to clean up. It was the first time I've been grateful to be the sick one...I got to stay in bed ALL day while he cleaned up throw up! Hopefully they recovered (and you didn't get sick too!)