Friday, November 20, 2009

Switching teams briefly because I must

While I take great delight in imagining my brother Dan rolling his eyes over this post, I cringe slightly in dedicating yet another post to what I feel is a slightly embarrassing fatal flaw on my part:

My love for the Twilight books.

Most of you know that already, but there is still a part of my grown up psyche that feels it beneath me to admit that. I wanted to hate them. I wanted to not be able to get partway through the first one before tearing apart and mocking the so-called bestseller.

But I couldn't.

The Edward that was created in my mind became the perfect storm of men. Part Heathcliff, part Darcy, part billionaire, and all solid, chiseled abs. Delish.

(Sadly, the movie Edward doesn't remotely come close.)

But since I just saw the movie this morning (no, not at midnight. I AM a respectable thirty-something cougar, you know), I feel compelled to share my thoughts with you here. (Bye Dan. Lost you at the word Twilight, didn't I?)

Here goes:

  1. Their version of Edward makes my skin crawl. He needs to have those eyebrows waxed. He's more pasty white than most albinos. He's way, way too skinny. It's all I can do to not want to feed him a sandwich and make him take a shower. Why couldn't they tone him up like they did Jacob? He's supposed to be all muscles and money. Plus? Any man that wears more lipstick than me is not a man I want to fantasize about kissing. Yuck.

  2. The movie Bella is so twitchy, it's distracting. I honestly can't tell if she's having a seizure or if she's got Tourette's. It's seriously all I can think about when I watch her.

  3. Aren't the vampires supposed to be attractive? Isn't that part of their charm to lure in the unsuspecting prey? I think they forgot that when casting all these actors and applying enough cake-white face paint to rival the circus clowns. Every single one of them (with Alice and Emmett being the exceptions) look hideous to me. Honestly, did they even read these books before casting parts? Or are the people possibly attractive, but we can't see that because they're covered in so much flour make-up?

  4. Um, that Charlie IS hot stuff. Though I'd definitely make him shave the 'stache before we got to know one another, ifyouknowwhatimean.

  5. And last, but not least, I am declaring myself Team Jacob for the movie version of Twilight.

*Head hanging in shame*

I'm very sad to say that. I was so devoted to Edward throughout the books. I swore that if she put Bella and Jacob together, I would burn all my copies and never speak of them again. But Jacob is DARLING in this movie. He's warm, inviting, gentle, and sweet. Plus, hello? Look at this:

And how very lucky for us that he just so happens to remain shirtless throughout most of the show. It's worth having to gag over Edward for that eye candy alone.


There. That is all. Discuss.


Anonymous said...

I literally agree with every single word you wrote!!!

Annie said...

I'm going tonight with 7 teenage girls. (Think I need earplugs?) My girls are already Team Jacob. Maybe I'll be convinced.

Blazing Goddess said...

I haven't seen the movie yet. I'm wating for a consensus before I shell out my hard-earned moolah for something that would make me want to duck out the fire escape lest anyone I knew saw me leaving.

He is a very pretty boy. *sigh*

My sister was devoted to the books, and was really mad with their casting choices. She calls RP Captain Fugly. She may be onto something. Seruiously, you should read her casting choices. They were much better.

I was team Edward throughout the books, right up until I started to really think about it. Then I liked Jacob better. Edward was too angsty for me. Jacob was more fun, by far.

Laurie said...

I enjoyed the series, but wasn't totally gaga for them. I always like Jacob better because they actually seemed to have a relationship. Plus he was hot. Who wants an ice cold man? Who would warm my feet in bed? Anyhoo, not racing out to see the movie since the first was so dreadfully slow. But eye candy is always nice and calorie free.

My other favorite eye candy? Ryan Reynolds in "The Proposal."

Heidiram said...

I am not a fan. AT.ALL. I think I was trying so hard to get into the books, that I must have missed the major plot or storyline. Once I finished Twilight (about 2 1/2 months later) . . . I almost felt guilty for not being so into the book like everyone else. However, I guess I wasn't guilty enough to try reading the rest of the books in the series.

This post may have brought out that cougar in me. I think if you twist my arm hard enough, I might just have to be Team Jacob. But does that mean I have to read the book . . . or watch the movies?

Anonymous said...

And yep.
(Especially about the movie Bella. I can hardly stand to watch her myself without stuttering and twitching...)

Melissa Walker said...

I hope you'll still be my blog friend--I was not a fan of the books, but read them all because I like to know what the hub bub is about. (I must also disclose that I have a masters in literature and it is in my blood to critique) I totally agree with you on the actors though. K-Stew and R-Pat are not great--too annoying and creepy. I haven't seen New Moon yet, but will go when the crowds die down. I think my biggest worry is that the series has made a dangerous, obsessive, and possessive, although handsome and rich, guy into a heartthrob--I don't want my girls going for that. They should go for a nice guy who treats them well. So I think I'm probably on Team Jacob too.

Stefani said...

How totally weird. We don't even know each other yet you somehow can see inside my head and know EXACTLY what I'm thinking and feeling. Some of it is documented in my own blog post as of this morning... if you have a desire to go and take a look here's the address.

Christina B. said...

Really enjoyed reading Twilight, hated Bella in New Moon, gave up reading the series in the third book... Hated the acting in Twilight...

Must see New Moon based on the picture you posted alone!! Add me to Team Jacob! :)

Anonymous said...

I think you're missing the point where it's "someone else's" version of the story.

Although I agree with some of your points, I think it's fun to watch another's vision come to life on the screen. And it bugs me when people complain so loudly about how it wasn't exactly as THEY pictured it. (You're not the only one.)

That said, nice picture of Jacob. I second your Edward/book & Jacob/movie loyalties.

utmomof 5 said...

I saw it last night at 9:00 (not midnight-- those people are crazy) and I have to agree with you. While as a whole I liked it more than the first but it by no means is going to win any acting awards :)

My friend and I keep having to remind ourselves that Jacob is under 18 and that we shouldn't stare... it's a little pedophile-ish. But he is oh so pretty.

Jeanelle said...

Okay, I have nothing against Robert Pattinson - find him somewhat attractive but agree with you on the skinny/pastiness. That picture of Taylor Lautner? The 17 year old BOY we are all lusting after? I'm seeing it in the morning with my 71 year old mother. ;)

shilo said...

Totally agree with you. The reader in me still loves Edward, but the movie goer is WAY excited for the visual feast that is Jacob. Can't wait to see it!

Tristan said...

I have been team Jacob all along. Don't get me wrong, I love Edward. But I prefer Jacob :) YUM!

Lauren in GA said...

I enjoyed your commentary...and I agree...especially about the mean makeup.

I my mind Edward is so, so, so gorgeous...I guess you can't cast anyone as amazing as I pictured but their Edward isn't at all what I was envisioning.

Tell Dan hi for all of us, will you?

calibosmom said...

Can you believe I am actually going to pay to see this movie in the theater? I haven't even seen Twilight-The things I do for my friends. OK, Jacob either had some photoshopping down "there" or he went in for a wax. WOWZA!

Miss T said...

I am waiting to see it with my best friend who won't be here until December. She got me hooked on the books. I must admit at 29 I feel a little too old to like it!

I was always team Jacob, although in later books the whole daughter thing kinda creeps me out a bit.

In the movie I am totally with you. Edward is just not right at all, and his family of vampires looks nothing like I imagined either.

Jacob in the movie - WOAH!

Ilene said...

Couldn't lust after Jacob. His face is far too young.

One thing I like about Jacob's body is that it makes guys feel like women FINALLY. Seeing Jacob up on screen, an average guy will say to himself, "How in the hell can I live up to that?"

Exactly what I say when I see Megan Fox or any other actress with an eating disorder and giant boobs.

I'm sick of Bella. But I have always been sick of Bella. Edward would totally pick me.

The only vampires I found attractive were Laurent and Victoria. They were beautiful.

Something must be done about Pattinson's eyebrows and gray skin.

I too wanted to hate the books. But how can you hate a world with Edward in it?

brooke said...

I agree with everything you said and loved every word of it. And I haven't even seen the movie yet--going tomorrow night. Bella drives me crazy with the twitching and no no no to men in lipstick.

Your best line--I AM a respectable thirty-something cougar, you know.

Jenibelle said...

I read the books and refuse to pay to see the movies. I don't understand the whole angst over holding and kissing a piece of granite. I am too analytical...where did they get all that money? And how does her Dad not know what's going on? And I could care less about Indian folklore and that whole impressing (or whatever...what was it called?) thing. And WHY oh WHY would anyone go to such lengths for a twit like Bella? She's the single most annoying literary creature ever.

I'll bet you're not clear on how I feel about these movies...

But, meow, the shirtless wonder is impressive.

Annemarie said...

Have not read, have not seen...I just might have to now. Meow is right.

Christy said...

I have been team Jacob from the beginning. The Bella/Edward relationship is too co-dependent, it doesn't work for me until the final book. I do find the movie Bella more appealing than the book Bella, the book Bella is too insecure, but I haven't seen the twitchy New Moon Bella yet.

Christy said...

p.s. I do prefer a warm body to a cold one.

Statman said...

It is a shame Dan didn't see this post. He would have gotten a kick out of it.

Last time I saw him, he was running out a theater, racing to the ticket counter, hoping the next show was not sold out.

Jen said...

I got sucked in over the summer. I am on board with the romance of Bella & Edward but don't really get the movie Bella.

Darilyn said...

Hey Christie, it's been so long since I visited your blog and I'm sure glad I did. I love this post. I agree with you. Jacob is very nice to look at in the movie. Edward could be better. But my biggest complaint is with Kristen Stewart. I do have to say she was much better than the first movie. That one is painful for me to watch. But its as if she didn't even read the books. She does not portray the personality of Bella one bit. But all in all it was a very enjoyable movie.

mahina said...

i have ALWAYS been team jacob and the movie just confirmed it! i never really liked edward in the books. they did a terrible job casting him and i don't like bella's acting! i agree 100% with ALL you said. i also think charlie is darling!

Joy & Casey said...

Team Jacob all the way-you know I married "Jacob"...weird still but so awesome! Love you!

Cindy said...

When I read your words it's like my own thoughts!!! As you know Edward is my boyfriend not yours! But this Edward is sooo bad. Mine looks like Tom Brady!! So I totally agree with you. I'm with the movie Jacob, he is HOT!!! And I also hate Bella, she overacts and the noises she makes, I want to gag her! But I will always be faithful to the Edward of my mind.(the one that looks alot like Tom Brady)

Lisa-Marie said...

I think they got Edward perfect. He has ALWAYS creeped me out and done nothing for me. Ick, Edward.

Now, Jacob. Ah, Jacob. I'm so glad they got him right was well. TEAM JACOB FOREVER!

I've yet to see the movie and hadn't planned on it, but that shirtless wonder is very tempting!

Amanda D said...

I haven't seen New Moon. I think that Robert Pattison has the right look for a vampire but you're right -- he should have bulked up too.

I couldn't stand the thing that Kristen Stewart did with her mouth in Twilight. I am disappointed to hear that she is still twitchy.

I was Team Jacob too. And when I read it, like when I watch Romeo & Juliet, I hope for a different ending. Sadly, it doesn't change.

Becky said...

Oh boy...sigh... I just can't believe all the Twilight mania. I do happen to think Edward was too pasty white in the movie, but oddly he was exactly what I had pictured from the book...and I still think the whole vampire idea is so weird. But, who am I to say? The author girl is rich all because of a stinkin' weird dream she had about a vampire. I will have to see this movie, too, ...but I'll wait for the drama to die down a bit. The craziness of it all.

Hollyween said...

Jacob is totally hot. His body!!!!!!!

Thank-you for saying what I've thought all along about Edward's brows. HIDEOUS! Lipstick, ew. Skinny, sick. Why didn't they buff him up? WHY????!

Hollyween said...

p.s. Happy Late Birthday!!!

Rosie said...

I think Kristen Stewart played Bella just as boring as she was in the book, Robert Pattison is just as creepy/controlling as Edward was in my mind, and Jacob is even better than I could have imagined. Yum.

(I admit, I haven't finished the third book and never read the fourth one. Too bad, though, I hear there is lots of sex in it. I'm a sucker for sex. Hehe.)

The squeals of the teeny boppers when Jacob first took off his shirt was worth the price of admission, that and the full length preview for Percy Jackson.

Miss Kendra said...


I agree that Edward is not "my" Edward. And while reading the books I HATED Jacob but in the movie I felt my heart melt a little bit for the wolves in general. Having said that I can still dream of Edward the way I see him in the books and can still hate Jacob (as much as you can hate a fictional character).

Now if you want to like Jacob a little bit less rent Shark Boy and Lava Girl and listen to a younger Jacob sing "Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream." It will take the sexyness away in about 3 seconds and you too can go back to daydreaming about "YOUR" sexy Edward from the book.

PS. I know that you do not know me but I love your blog!

crystal said...

I totally agree. Warm, inviting, gentle & sweet...and scrumptious.

And since Charlie is WAY closer to my age, I will admit that he's cute, too.

I too thought the lipstick distracting! Grr. I like MovieEdward's intensity toward Bella--but really it ends there for me. MovieEdward looks like a heroine addict to me.

Face--yes. Good. What I imagined. Makeup ON the face--bad. Distracting.

But who the hell cares! :) Jacob was eye-popping. Mmmmm.

I feel like a perv.

danandcindy said...

So, which team are you switching to?

The dorky LATE-thirty something, romance-novel-reading, teeny-bopper-wannabe, lame-o team?

Newsflash, you've been on that team for a long time.

Do you realize that that naked boy that you are drooling over is probably about HALF your age? Does that mean anything to you?

I guess for Christmas I'll just get you a subscription to Seventeen magazine, and you can cut out photos and hang them up in your locker...

Robyn said...

I'm happy to say that I've ALWAYS been Team Jacob...he was AMAZING in the movie! I hated the ending, though, and HATE that Bella's back with stupid Edward. You're right...the movie character really doesn't do him justice. NO ONE screamed when he took his shirt off. But Jacob? I'm in love.

Cami said...

Shame on your family!

the story line is OKAY but overall i think the books are horrid forms of the written word. There is so much unrealistic and, frankly, ridiculous things throughout all the books and I didn't even need to read them to tell you what would be coming next. And I'm not even attacking the whole vampire/werewolf thing, that is creative but the love story? The way these two boys swoon over a girl who can't make up her mind for one and can't stop feeling sorry for herself? I'm sorry but I do not want my daughter thinking that's what her high school years will end up being like(especially if she runs of to New Mexico or Arizona or where ever it was in the first book and nearly get herself killed, no bueno).

And the movies...oh gosh, I saw the first one purely because my friend wanted to and we were in times square FREEZING but it definitely not worth the $12 i spent on it, the cinematography alone was just absurd, I could make a better movie than that.

Ugg. Come on, let's all raise our standards a little bit higher now.