Friday, November 6, 2009

My Alibi

We interrupt the smorgasbord of photos this week to bring you up to speed on a crime that has occurred in the Casa de Stie.

You see, there was one last slice of red velvet cake (delicious recipe courtesy of the Pioneer Woman Cookbook) left sitting on my kitchen counter.

I was not tempted to eat it because I was swamped this morning.

I was out. Yeah, that's it.

It's been so busy around here - what with me running five half-marathons to raise money for the American Cafeteria Worker's Association.


As you can see, someone snuck into our house and nibbled a corner off the top, right by the delicious chocolate bits.

I didn't see a thing. I was teaching a seminar at Harvard on the importance of flossing.

And then, just when we thought they were done, it happened again.

While I was out last night helping to deliver my friend Maren's new (and very unexpected) baby, suddenly, and without warning, the criminal came back to even out the missing bite in a vain attempt to hide their crime.

FOR SHAME.

Taking an even bolder step, our shameless perpetrator returns ONCE AGAIN to the scene of the crime and steals a little bit more, not bothering at all this time to disguise the thievery. If only I could provide you a description so a sketch could be made and a nationwide search undertaken.

But I was busy giving singing lessons to Zach Effron. He really needed someone with vocal talents like mine to help his weak and untrained voice take song.

Alas! Today when I got home from building the new children's hospital all by myself, I noticed that the remaining lovely chocolate bits were gone. The delicious cream cheese frosting-covered cake is but a remnant of her former red velvety self. WHAT TO DO? Will this madness ever stop?

Ladies and gentlemen, I fear for the safety of food in my kitchen. For as I was working on a cure for cancer in Tanzania, we were robbed again. Who is this horrible person? Plowing through our lives and leaving a ragged wake of gluttony behind?

WILL WE EVER FEEL SAFE AGAIN?

I am afraid there is no hope left at this point. All is lost. What would have been a delicious after-dinner treat is now nothing but a lone bite on a platter. But who, WHO would do such a thing? I only wish I'd been here to see something. But I was at the local animal shelter, helping to pioneer a new surgery for dogs that will allow them to learn how to read. It's going to be quite groundbreaking, you know.

BUT THE CAKE? WHO KEEPS EATING THE CAKE?

Oh dear. It's all over now. If only I hadn't decided to donate my kidney this morning to Severus Snape. And if only I hadn't been asked at the last minute to perform BOTH operations while juggling for the Ringling Brothers circus, I might have been here to stop the devilish mastermind from stealing the last bite.

WOE IS ME.

Wait. What's that, you say? I have something red in my teeth?

Oh, well, it's probably just that, uh, um...apple I ate earlier. Yeah, that's it. An apple. It was delicious, too. I got it from the President in recognition for my great work with the new program I developed to help homeless veterans become zoo workers across America.

I love my charity work. It's so rewarding. Helps comfort me in these difficult times.

[Note to self: They're on to you. Best be baking up another one to throw them off the case.]

29 comments:

Annie said...

Oh, I love you and your cake-thievery-documenting-and-maybe-eating-it ways.

Brilliant post. (I have the PW cookbook, too. Evil book. And did you hear the bookstore in SLC didn't know who she was so they had hundreds of unexpected fans show up and not enough books? For shame!)

Beckie Steele said...

Had I have known that cake was on your kitchen counter, I would have gladly consumed it for you!

the wrath of khandrea said...

perhaps instead of the nobel peace prize they have lined up for you, we could request another cake. who needs a useless piece of metal on a ribbon anyway?

Ilene said...

Ah, the Nobel Prize comes with a million dollar reward. You could buy a lot of cake for that.

Now my question is, did you really just nibble at the cake throughout the day or just eat all at once taking pictures after each bite?

I would do the latter. One taste of red velvet and I am not going to stop until it is gone.

Darby said...

I'm actually surprised the thief took so long to consume the entire piece. The guilty in this home would have done it quick, stealth and all in one swoop of the fork! ;)

Tell Maren congrats on her new little bundle of Joy! :) hee hee!

(Also tell her some people, not naming names, need photographic proof of her new digs) :)

melissa ( : said...

The nerve.

Michelle said...

classic, fantastic Christie.

Love you!

shilo said...

It's too bad that shameful thief had to nibble away at your beautiful cake. YOU should have been the one to enjoy it. All of that charity work is sure to work up quite an appetite.

Alissa said...

the thing is... if you make another cake, you'll have to eat ALL but one piece so no one will know what happened to the rest.

Meggan said...

You made me smile. And that is why we are friends. Thanks for being so darn entertaining! You're awesome!

Annemarie said...

Your secret's safe with me...

Travelin'Oma said...

I have a friend who baked a cake for her husband. By noon she had already eaten half of it. Worried about her explanation for a half-eaten cake, she decided to eat the rest of it. I wouldn't feel guilty about a one little slice!

Your cakes are the best!

brooke said...

Please make me feel better and tell me you consumed it before 8:00 am. That is my kind of breakfast.

Keri(th) said...

Oh, I am laughing SO very loud right now.

First, because this is a great post.

Second, because I can relate, but on a much more grandiose scale (think 'whole' pies, cakes, etc).

Third, because I am the 'friend' that Marty has referenced.

And fourth, because I am a repeat offender, and the cake story that Marty shared is just the tip of the iceberg for me!

Lauren in GA said...

Well, it certianly wasn't me. I was training seeing eye dogs and then building a homeless shelter in my backyard. I've been booked all day.

You. kill. me. Seriously, lady...you are so, so clever and funny.

Cindy said...

Hi.lar.i.ous!! Thanks for the laugh!

diane said...

Thanks for the bone marrow transplant.

I love you and your post.

Thanks for the link about the shoes. Yippee!

Anonymous said...

So, the mystery of the disappearance of the Relief Society cakes all those years ago has finally been solved. Hoorah. 007 couldn't have done a better job.

gab said...

You can't blame that thief!

As long as you make another one, all will be forgiven.

Meg said...

But who took all these pictures. I don't know many people who document their crimes...but I have to say, in this case, I like it!

Miss T said...

Love the label for this post - too funny! That cake looked so good.

danandcindy said...

This one is going to be easy. Here's how you are going to nab the perp! Take the flushers off of all of the toilets in the house. Follow your family around the house and inspect the toilet each time they do a number two. Due to the high amount of food coloring included with the receipe for red velvet cake, it should be easy to nab your cake eater.

Tristan said...

I won't tell :)

Next time just share with me!

Woman Interrupted said...

Mmm Hmm, likely story!

Hazen5 said...

Just did the same thing, but mine was chocolate!

crystal said...

Your cake thief was at my house, too, stealing my chocolate truffle one nibble at a time.

Sheesh. Now I'll just have to go open another one.

人妻 said...

Hな人妻たちの社交場、割り切った付き合いも当然OK!欲求不満のエロ人妻たちを好みに合わせてご紹介します。即会い、幼な妻、セレブ、熟女、SM妻、秘密、以上6つのジャンルから遊んでみたい女性を選んでください

サイドビジネス said...

1日5万円~が手に入るサイドビジネスのご案内です。男狂いのセレブ女性はネットで知り合った男を次々に金の力で食い散らかしています。そんな女性を手玉にとって大金を稼いでみませんか

Hチェッカー said...

みんなで楽しめるHチェッカー!簡単な設問に答えるだけであなたの隠されたH度数がわかっちゃいます!あの人のムッツリ度もバレちゃう診断を今すぐ試してみよう