Friday, October 3, 2008

How to take an Amish Country Tour

Step one: Read all of Beverly Lewis' books. Become obsessed with the Amish people. Discuss the Amish on a regular basis with your friends. Get giddy with excitement when the local community college offers an Illinois Amish Country Tour. Sign up immediately and ignore all mothering responsibilities to attend the day-long tour.

Step two: Board the bus for your Amish Country Tour, and realize, to your dismay, that you are the youngest people there, and I do mean the youngest by decades. Be grateful you can walk without the assistance of a cane and do not yet require Depends. Stop for bathroom breaks every 16 minutes on the two-hour drive. Try to recover from a very unmentionable bathroom incident involving one of the elderly passengers.


Step Three: Eat lunch a thanksgiving feast in an actual Amish home. Be very grateful for make-up and pretty shoes. Decide those two factors alone would be deal breakers in your husband's Amish conversion/go-off-the-grid-dream. Eat yourself sick on fresh bread, jam, chicken, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, fresh corn, and pie. Wonder why the Amish don't weigh 900 pounds. Realize all this food was made by hand instead of by Costco. Decide Amish work load is too hard. Call your Husband and break the news that you will not be converting after all.

Step Four: Get back on the Old Folks Mobile tour bus and begin the long drive back to St. Louis. Accept the impending 19 bathroom breaks. Laugh mercilessly with your friends. Make lots of jokes in Effingham. Search i-phones for You Tube videos and pictures of Rupert Penry-Jones, your new imaginary boyfriend.

Step Five: When, and only when, you are positive the lady in front of you is about to fall out of her seat for the eavesdropping, be sure to invent some stories about your friend's illustrious street walking career and nekkid bungee jumping escapades. Be a little frightened later when she tells you how much you all remind her of her daughter.

Step Six: When one of the bus patrons loses control and pees all over her seat, be renewed in your desire to spend hours a day doing kegel exercises.

42 comments:

Christina B. said...

That sounds like a great trip!

How to embarrass yourself at work:

Realize you don't feel like working anymore today.
Pretend like you are working but really read Christie's blog.
Start laughing out loud unexpectedly.
Realize that this is not the first time this has happened, in this order, and that your co-workers wonder why you randomly start laughing at your desk.

So worth it! Thank you!

Annie said...

Oh my goodness. You tell the best stories (and somehow have the funniest field trips)!

But, I'm sorry to break it to you, my friend. I already called Rupert Penry-Jones a while back when I fell for him in Spooks/MI5. Yeah. So. Sorry 'bout that. (But you still get Colin Firth!)

Off to do kegels...

Holly said...

I would so like to visit Amish country someday, though hopefully not on THAT bus. Let's charter our own...

I enjoyed the Beverly Lewis novels too--fascinating peek into their traditions and life.

Okay. Why had no one told me about MI-5, Matthew MacFadyen(of the other P&P--gasp!) and Rupert Penry-Jones until recently? Obviously I just crawled out from under my rock. I am currently obsessed with spies & MI-5. And Rupert.

Laurie said...

You are so funny! Love the Amish too, especially the horse and buggy. But I also love make up and pretty shoes more.

Jessica said...

I went to Goodreads and immediately put a Beverly Lewis book on my to-read list...so I'm ON MY WAY.

Will come with me when I'm done with the books, so I can do all the other steps properly?

calibosmom said...

Amish people are effing awesome! That was too funny-I think I peed a little.

Muncey said...

Or you could simply live among them in Central Pennsylvania for a couple of years.

During that time assist with chores around the farm, spend a few evenings in their homes, eat lots of said food, buy some of their dolls, quilts, rocking chairs, etc.

Then marry someone from that area and return as often as possible.

I like my plan better since it doesn't involve any bathroom mishaps ;)

AD said...

What a fun, fun field trip.

Have you read "Plain and Simple"? I wanted to convert too after reading this woman's account of leaving her busy encumbered life for a few months to live with the Amish. Kindof a sabbatical of sorts. Her whole perspective changed. I have told my husband if I ever run away he will find me in PA.

We took our kids to Amish country one year for Thanksgiving. As we were waiting in the restaurant to be seated, an Amish family walked in. My preschooler who had just been learning about the first Thanksgiving said, loudly, "Look Mommy! Pilgrims!" :)

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

I'm laughing so hard, I think I just peed all over my seat. OH WAIT...that wasn't me that was the lady on the bus!
You so crack me up...
and now I am off to get my make-up on and do my exercises!

Lauren in GA said...

Nobody but you can make incontinence enjoyable reading material! That is a gift, you know.

Paige said...

That sounds so fun! way to put your money where you obsessiveness is. I would have hailed down a buggy than endure the streaming pee.

Nikki said...

As always- in awe of your story telling talents. What a memorable day you had! Sounds like great fun!

Rae said...

Have I told you how much I love reading your blog?! You are truly the best!!!

BTW, your hair looks great!

Hollyween said...

So is the pee incident you mentioned at the end the 'very unmentionable' incident you mentioned at the beginning? Horrible. At least it was only #1. Right???

I totally want to do that. For the food ALONE.

diane said...

You should have borrowed my silver Amish mini dress.

Your hair looks way cute.

Bridget said...

The Amish wadrobe is definitely a deal breaker. Too bad all that great food is a result of lots of hard work on their part. Another deal breaker.

I hope you were seated upstream from the pee incident??

Annemarie said...

Hilarious. I so want to go on a field trip with you!

I am very intrigued by those books...I see a trip to the library in my future...

Annemarie said...

Oh, and the hair...DARLING!

Tristan said...

You are so funny! The Amish are very interesting that is for sure! You feel like you go back in time whenever you are around them. I have been shopping in a few Amish communities in Western New York. It was VERY interesting!

Meg said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Amish country! Beautiful!!! I hope to go back someday soon.

Oh and thanks for the Kegel advice. I hope I don't need it. EEk.

Kenny and Linsey said...

Love your hair, love your adventure, love your post.

Rochelleht said...

I love Rupert Penry-Jones, too. Instead of being Amish, we could just be polygamists instead...

Robyn said...

So funny! I'm sure all the old people loved you. I'm laughing now, but I'm pretty sure I'll be the old lady losing control, peeing all over the seat. Yes...kegels.

♥Shally said...

The FOOD!!! Yum.

I am gaining weight just thinking about all I would eat there...

Lori said...

I'm so sad I didn't get to join in the fun...babies!

Emily said...

Another great day trip with girl friends. Remember that little "trip around the cape" with Dorcus . . . I was just thinking about that the other day. Sounds like you had a great time and logged some more fantastic stories to share on other girl trips. As for 'ol Rupert, doesn't matter who comes along, still can't get over Hugh Jackman (but not as the wolverine). Go watch the trailer for Australia and you can't help but want your own little "magic man." huh, but only in my imagination, yes.

Emily said...

one more thing, you are totally rockin' the short hair sista!

Zana said...

You know it's a funny blog when friends tell you to go read it!

danandcindy said...

Your friends don't look that old. But it is cool that you are gearing up for your bluehair years, which aren't that far off. When's the bus trip to Branson! Oh wait, you already did that one too.

Amanda D said...

It sounds like so much fun! Other than the bathroom incidents...

I'm thinking they don't weigh 900 pounds because they work from dawn to dusk - no computers!

Rosie said...

I am fascinated by Amish people. Did you ever see the reality show on PBS about the Amish kids living their year in the city? So intriguing.

Becky said...

Sounds like a lot of fun. I would have loved to go there. I love the quality "goods" of those good Amish folk. You have gone from one extreme to the other in your living surroundings haven't you? So DIVERSE!

Kristy said...

You made me snort a little while reading this post! We visited several church members in the nursing home tonight. Definitely brought to light things that I need to be doing. I'm adding Kegel's to my list. At least that's one exercise I can do while sitting on my backside! LOL

LOVE Beverly Lewis' books! She does a great job describing the Amish life. Too good...I also have dreamt of running away to a simpler, yet harder life. At least for a week or two! :) I like her books, too, b/c they are such an easy read. Very relaxing.

Musings of a Housewife said...

Doing kegels right now. YEAOW!

Sounds like you had fun. I've read a lot of those books. So interesting!!

Amber said...

A few weeks ago, someone mistook ME as being Amish. "Close," I told them, "I'm Mormon." Evidently, there is a connection.

Katie said...

you are awesome. I love reading your blogs... umm, not so much about your bathroom tour tho. uck. Glad you have decided not to convert... how would you blog?

andrea said...

kegel exercises! you freakin kill me. i'm gonna be laughing about that all the livelong day. i may even find a way to work that term into a conversation today, just in your honor. you are hilarious.

and the new do is growing on me. you wear it well.

queenieweenie said...

What an awesome way to spend a day. I've always wanted to visit Amish country.

By the way...your hair is gorgeous. It really makes your eyes pop.

crystal said...

Ever since reading this post, I can't get "Amish Paradise" by Weird Al out of my head.

Go get it on itunes. Hilarious.

whoopsadasie said...

That was HILARIOUS!! I have always wanted to visit Amish Country on a tour bus! Thanks for going first and letting me know that is not such a good idea! Wouldn't want to go through want you went through!! ;-)

Ilene said...

So the old poem that goes, "Grow old along with me the best is yet to be" is a big fat lie?

Hilarious post.

Holly said...

I love Beverely Lewis. I would love to visit the Amish country some day. And look at it this way, you had fun and got a lot of good blog fodder for it!