Wednesday, February 13, 2013

It's all about priorities

Let me paint a picture of loveliness for you.

Imagine, if you can, a tall woman with long, brownish-blondish hair.  Her weight is undetermined at this time, due to her inability to actually face the number on the scale.  She lives a good life, and does not want for food.  While she currently reminds one of a slightly chubbier version of her best self, she manages to still be attractive to her husband.  (Or so he says).

She resembles a fairly functional member of society during the hours of 10 a.m. and 10 p.m.  She showers, suffers under the blow dryer for 20 minutes, wears lipstick, and tries her best to put outfits together that do not include the words "yoga" or "stretchy pants."

But the first time each day that she ventures out of the house is a completely different story.

She. is. one. hot. mess.

Here is an artist's rendering of this anonymous woman:

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She leaves the house each day at 5:40 in the a.m. to drive her son to his early morning religion class.  She literally rolls out of bed at 5:39, slips on her Uggs, grabs a coat and her glasses, and heads out the door.

In her mind, she sort of likes to imagine that she looks a little like these ladies:

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image via

Tragically, in her heart of hearts, she knows that she does not.  She owns this look and is not swayed when her children mock or laugh.  This is a perfectly acceptable look for the unholy crack of dawn, peek-a-boo pudge, notwithstanding.

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She is at peace with her fine self.

The sight that greets this hottie outside of her bedroom door has recently morphed from a tired, grumbly teenager, to this:

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A happy little ball of sunshine and energy that is shaking keys in her face and begging to drive her vehicle.

THAT experience is a whole blog post unto itself.  But let's just say that two words sum up the palpable emotions in the car:  JOY and TERROR.

You can guess who experiences which.

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On a particularly average morning, like today, for instance, this woman finds herself in a wee bit of a predicament. For, when her son exits the vehicle on the driver's side, she is faced with two choices: Get out in the freezing cold air and walk around to the driver's side, or climb over the console in the middle and stay warm.

She opted on this fine morning to choose the latter.  And as she was maneuvering her chubby not-so-slim-self over the console, her boot got caught on something and she tumbled rather quickly, ending with a very ungraceful face plant against the glass of the window.

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Gathering herself together as best she could, the thought crossed her mind that, "Phew.  Thank goodness nobody saw THAT."


Clearly, the universe does have the best sense of humor.  This poor tangle of a mess looked out her window to see the eager, and frighteningly made-up faces of Malibu Barbie and her sister, Skipper, as they were out for their morning run.

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image via

Embarrassed, she waved off their lipsticked offers of help, and pulled herself together as best she could.  And instead of feeling bad about herself for not looking that good, let alone being out jogging at five-freaking-thirty in the morning with full make-up on, she took her bruised face dignifiedly home, and crawled back into bed.

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Like any normal human being should.


missy said...

I love the artist rendition of the "very ungraceful face plant against the glass of the window." Were you cracking yourself up while making these? So funny! Just wait til that boy has his license. Life changing. Seriously.

Annie said...

A masterpiece. Thanks for providing some hilarity today. And here's why I had to retire from our games of Draw Something. I can't compete with this kind of drawing talent, truly.

Jessica said...

I can't even handle the hilariousness of this post. I'm sending it to my husband right now, because it's that good.

Cynthia said...

Love the illustrations! and I never ever understood the logic of those women running while I was driving the kids to seminary too. Apparently these women are in every city.

Amanda D said...

I love this!! So glad I'm not the only one to venture out that way.

Lauren in GA said...

Stie...this post is one of your finest. You have not only INCREDIBE story telling skills...but incredible drawing skills. Such a masterpiece in every way, shape, and form.

I love the little how you even made that anonymous hottie grip the dashboard while her cheerful teenager drove the car.

I also like how you chose a picture that looks like Barbie is looking up and laughing at the picture of the bespectacled hottie with her face smashed against the car door glass picture.

Julie said...

I knew I liked you. :)

danandcindy said...

On whom did you base this story?

Juli said...

I love this post so much, I can't even explain it...

Stefani said...

My favorite part is imagining who "said hottie" thinks she looks like at o'-dark-thirty. I am famous for that - and always sorely mistaken.

calibosmom said...

I think this ranks as one of your top 10 posts. So awesome!

Tracy said...

Oh My how funny, I'm sorry thats just funny! Maybe because it reminds me of me!! That is how I take my kids to school everyday and pray I don't have car trouble!!
Have a great day.

The UnMighty said...

Though I really enjoyed your post, I was especially grateful you used actual photos and not drawings for Barbie and Skipper. My wife can't fault me if I stumble upon those photos on a friends blog.

jessica said...

So SO AWESOME!!! Love the pictures...LOVE!

Jeanelle said...

1. I wish I could draw like you. 2. I wish you would have driven fast through a mud puddle and splashed Barbie and Skipper (remember the Skipper where you could turn her arm and make her boobs grow?? YES REALLY!) 3. I am too old for Ugg boots. It's sad but true. I just can't justify it so I only wear the slippers - either the Coquette or Rylan. Just thought you were dying to know. 4. I didn't mean to say "perfection" twice in my last comment but figured you wouldn't judge me for being redundant (and really, for just being a poor editor.)