Friday, August 8, 2008

Apparently I just don't speak hairdresser

Yesterday I made a mistake of colossal proportions. Ignoring the begging, pleading, and whining of the Husband, I proceeded, with my stubborn mind made up.

Girls, I am telling you now. Listen to your husbands. Sometimes, they just might be right.

I had decided that the time had come for me to cut my hair. And not just trim a little off the ends, but really cut. my. hair. It has been varying degrees of long for about the last six years.

And humidity and long hair? They don't get along so well.

I was tired of it and ready for a change, but also not wanting to go too short. So, for the last several weeks, I have been perusing websites, magazines, and people-watching in search of my new hair. One lucky day, I found it. It belonged to a girl who was innocently walking around the City Museum with her kids. Unbeknownst to her, I was stalking her hair, snapping away with my telephoto lens like a paparazzi. I had pictures of every angle of this hair, lest there be any confusion when I went in.

I need to pause in the telling of the hair story to tell you that I have not found my hair "person" here in St. Louis yet. I have gone in a few times for trims, but never really felt like I had found my stylist. Just haven't found that special someone. And if you're anything like me, this is a relationship that MUST be just right. It requires almost as much thought and prayer as choosing your spouse.

You know it's true.

So, armed with my arsenal of pictures, I made an appointment. The day arrived, and I excitedly headed in, ready to meet the new me.


The stylist I had blindly chosen did not agree with my hairdo of choice. She flat out refused to give it to me. Then, in a move I'll never fully comprehend, told me I was too old to be able to pull it off. Oh, and that it would accentuate my fat neck.

Excuse me?

There are a lot of parts of me that I will agree are fat and jiggly, but up until that moment, I was fairly confident my neck wasn't one of them. I should have gotten up and ran from her chair right then.

But the coward that I am, I stayed right there. And with a few thousand flicks of her scissors, she gave me her version of the haircut, which in no way, shape, or form resembled the one I was looking for. I left the salon in tears. My hair was not only A LOT shorter than I wanted, but I looked like I had a giant poofy bell taking up space around my head, ringing as I walked. It was HORRIBLE.

Calling and sobbing to the Husband did very little good, as he had advised against cutting it in the first place. To his credit, there were no "I told you so's," but we all know how well the men deal with the tears. They really don't know HOW to deal with them.

So, I frantically ran to my friend Mindy's house, tears streaming, and hair-bell ringing. Thankfully, Mindy is someone you can count on to be brutally honest, but in a kind, loving way. And with a hug and a diet coke, she handed me the phone and the number of a male stylist, the likes of which I should have seen in the first place.

A few hours later, lots of laughs in the second salon at my botched job, and my hair is as fixed as it can be. It is, unfortunately, really, really short. So short, in fact, that I am not in a mental place where I can even take pictures of it yet. In a few days I might be ready, but not today. I'm still working on coming down off this ledge.

Which would probably be easier to do if Hannah would stop telling me just how ugly it is, you know, every eight minutes or so.

By the way, she's for sale. Cheap. And she comes with a lifetime supply of polly pockets. Any takers?

The only bright rainbow in this cloudy hair storm? At least I found my new hair person. If only I'd found him a few hours earlier.


Anonymous said...

Don't we get any pictures?

Jeanelle said...

I am SO sorry! I cannot believe a stylist would tell a client she wouldn't do the hairstyle because it would accentuate her fat neck, which you don't even have. What a big jerk she glad you found someone else and I'll bet your new short 'do is cute and fun!!

Unknown said...

No, no, no! I am shedding a few tears for your lost hair.

Ashli pointed out a blog that suggested women over 30 should no longer have hair long enough to put in a ponytail. Hmmmph. I am sticking with my ponytails until at least 50.

Annie said...

I am so, so sorry. That just stinks. Luckily you are beautiful and DO NOT have a fat neck (whatev) and can pull off any look.

And if you don't believe me, remember HAIR GROWS. (yay!)

Really, I do want the picture though.

Alison Wills said...

Oh No!!! That's horribly and that first hairdresser should be fired! I'm sure you look adorable, even if your kids are being a bit harsh...(remember this when Hannah gets a bad haircut later in life)...I had a bad experience once, with my below the shoulder hair the stylist asked if I'd like to keep some length, I said yes, and he chopped to the level of my ears! Imagine if I had said no...I would have heard the clippers turn on!

Anna said...

The silver lining is that you are beautiful. Everyone thinks so, there is no getting around it. Yes, hair grows, but until then don't look in any mirrors. BTW, Murray told me that I look like I'm getting my grandmother's neck.

Diane said...

I have had my share of hair disasters, and each time someone tells me it will grow. I've been to three or four hair stylists since we moved here, and now have had at least a dozen different outcomes from the same description and picture. GEEZ! Still searching. I am old, and they want me to look it!!

Jana said...

My dear love ..... what a horrid experience! I am so glad that there is a wonderful person named Mindy in our lives to help us deal with our natural disasters. I'm sure we will all love it no matter what! Because we all love you no matter what!

CJ, The Purple Diva said...

I'm laughing at the way you wrote this account! It's hysterical!
But in my eyes are tears from the horror of this experience! I am SO sorry this happened to you!
But I am soooo glad you had a Mindy to help you and to lead you in the right direction. At least you don't have to wonder where you will go next time!
Here's a hug for ya sis! :-)
I can't wait to see the new you!
And you FAT...HA-the girl sounds like she needs glasses and a new brain!

Annemarie said...

I so wish we lived closer. That hairdresser needs to be smacked with a round brush. I'm glad you found someone who could come to the rescue. Sounds like a "keeper"
And you know what? Men always vote for long hair...right or wrong, they ALWAYS vote for long hair.

Holly (2 Kids and Tired) said...

I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH you. Honest. I have yet to find a stylist here in Idaho (and I really can't justify the cost anyway), so my husband cuts mine when I cut his. I just have a blunt cut with bangs, so it's hard to wreck. I would like to stop coloring it myself and go somewhere where someone I like and trust could give me some highlights and layers, but I'm chicken!

Thank goodness for good friends who can laugh and cry with you. I'm sure you look beautiful. We'd love to see photos when you can post them, and if not, what your hair looks like does not matter to your friends.

I agree that the crazy stylist should be fired.

Amanda D said...

I hate that this first stylist is giving the rest of us a bad-wrap. Oh, well.

You are totally right about long hair and humidity. I'm not sure humidity goes with ANY hair though!

I'm sure you look great, and I hope you decide that we can see some photos!

Laurie said...

I'll consider myself forewarned--if anyone ever calls my neck fat in any context whatsoever, I'm running fast and far away. By the way, your neck is simply lovely.

I so feel for you on the hair dilemma. I left my favorite stylist in Salt Lake, and have never found another to properly take his place. My husband is tired of me planning trips to Utah around getting my hair done. (Also interesting note, my husband used to be jealous of my relationship with Kelly, until he realized he was gay.) Hopefully this new guy is a keeper.

And seriously how much for Hannah?

Although, she may be overwhelmed with four brothers instead of just two; I can't imagine what mine would do to polly and her friends.

mahina said...

hair woes! i hate them! i had my experience from you know where this spring when i ended up blonde! yup, i'm hawaiian and i was blonde! won't do that again, not that that was the look i was going for, but i think i will just go back to being au natural in the color department!

i cannot believe she told you your neck was fat and that you were too old!! rubbish! she was just jealous of how beautiful you are and wanted to make you look and feel bad! sounds like she needs a few lessons on hairdresser etiquette!

Lindsey said...

I totally agree that it is nearly as important as picking a spouse... TOTALLY. But you are a CHICKEN! You can't blog about a bad hair cut in cyberspace unless you are going to post a PICTURE!!! (Cheater) It is making me fell not so sorry for you! :)

kathi said...

I'll take Hannah.......polly pockets, mamma mia music and high school musical intact! Sorry about your a picture. I got mine cut yesterday, and said, just take a little off. I look like I've been hit with a lawn mower.......and some party animal was driving. I am very curious to see your hair shorter..........its' been years! XOX

kathi said...

PS I've know you longer than anyone, and I have never seen a fat neck!!!!!!!!!!

Kimberly said...

I was waiting for pictures, in "michael" fashion, of the woman's hair you loved and were taking pictures of. That would have been hilarious!

Oh, I remember the time my mom came home with the worst perm EVER! I think out reactions sent her into tears for weeks.

One positive thing is hair does grow back and, truly, I think you could pull anything off! You are Stie and we love you and think you are one hot momma!

Celia Fae said...

Good thing you have a nice rack.
I need photos STAT. Of the hairdo, not the rack.

Kristy said...

So sorry you had a twerp the 1st go-round. She was obviously an idiot! (You re-told it quite humorously, though!)

If it makes you feel any better my mother, who has had BEAUTIFUL platinum hair since her early 30's had a FRO done in the 1970's. Yes, I said a FRO, as in AFRO!! It was NOT flattering on her at all. We did not say a word when she walked in, but our facial expressions had her in tears. (Although I think she had already been crying some on the way home.) So glad you found your stylist & you have such a good friend to help you thru!

Maybe if you get a great offer on Hannah & the polly pockets, you can buy really nice hair extensions! LOL

Melissa Angert {All Things Chic} said...

so, so, so sorry. that sucks!!
i would have cried all day too :-)

Paige said...

Oh, I was gonna say that about your rack. And legs. and long, thin neck. I cut my hair too short a while ago too. I was ugly and then I thought, hey, it's not like he's going to stop sleeping with me!

But please post pictures so we can reassure. Even if it's a false reassurance.

Kristin said...

OH the relationship of a stylist is so something you need to pray about. I left my guy, in SLC, same guy my sister Laurie (posted above) used. I cried after the first time I went to someone who wasn't Kelly, and the job wasn't even that bad. Now I am running our of excuses/marriages to head back to SLC for, so I no longer get to see the guy, unless I plan a family reunion there. Hope your new guy is a keeper, sounds like he already is.

Lauren in GA said...

You. do. not. have. a. fat. neck.

That hag. That biddy.

I love how you wrote, "hair-bell ringing" have great descriptive powers. I am so sorry that happened.

I am so glad you found your new stylist. My friend called me once and explained how she had left from a haircut crying and licking her hand and trying to smooth her hair down. Evidentally, her new cut was really short and poofy...her husband told her it was a, "12 Can Do"...when I asked what a, "12 Can Do" is she informed me that it meant that you could conceal 12 soda cans within the poofiness of the hairdo. Such a nice husband.

I know you are still beautiful. And I am sure the new cut shows off the beauty of your slendar neck.

Holly said...

Oh. No.

I have no words, except I understand. And glad you have a Mindy who had a fix.

Bridget said...

I am so sorry c. I butched my hair when we moved to Bpston. The humidity does crazy things to your sense of reasoning I think. I need a photo. It can't be that bad!

Becky said...

You know what?!? What is it about you and me that wouldn't get up and say, "excuse me,...but I think I should be going now", BEFORE the haircut??? I bet you are most mad that you didn't walk out of the lame hair dresser's space. I have had that happen way too often. I think we are too sensitive to others' feelings and worry that we are going to offend. But, NO I draw the line now. No more of that politeness. But, then again,...lesson learned and ALSO, I bet it's a totally great cut. Who the heck likes LONG boring hair all the time? You gotta spice it up a bit with a real style, a cut, something that says, "SASSY!" So, good for you. When you are done, the long always returns, remember? (I do!) Nothing could have been worse than me and the hair cut right before San Diego and then the prego blow up! Yikes! Long, windy, post. I could go on. I won't.

Travelin'Oma said...

I had a stylist in England ask me if I wanted fringe. I pictured the Brady Bunch mom's fringe on the back of her hair, and said, no. In England fringe apparently means bangs. He cut them to the nubs!!! I know your pain. But I bet it looks darling. Post pics!!!

crystal said...

Fat neck, my a$$! (actually, it's my a$$ that IS fat...another story...)

I'm having so much fun at your expense imagining the bell-ringing hair! Please tell me you took a picture of the bell-hair (which sounds suspiciously like a helmut). When you're in a better place, you'd better post photos.

I had a hair disaster when I taught my 1st year of middle school. Bad. My students had varying degrees of horror etched on their faces. I stood at the front of the room for a few seconds and then said, "I know."

I'm sure you're hot. It's not fair.

crystal said...

p.s. I was all ready to buy Hannah from you, until you threw in the lifetime supply of Polly-frickin'-Pockets.

Forget it.

gab said...

Stie...I have never seen you with a bad hair day. Ever. But I know exactly how you feel and I know hair pain is the deepest, most abiding pain there is.

Hannah may have a reality show in her future...she is brutal. And cute. Perfect combination.

Boston Family said...

Hair trauma is never fun. Thanks to good friends, and male hair stylist. At some point can you tell me where you first went so that I never go there around here. What ever happened to the customer is always right? At least you know now where to avoid the hair nazi.

Lorena said...

Um...I need pictures before I can give an opinion...and you know where you can post it.

Anonymous said...

unfortunately, just like best friends lil girls like to be brutally honest as well, eh?

Fat neck? I think not.

Renae said...

Oh so sorry about the hair. I had the same issue on Tuesday because I was not patient enough to wait until my hair gal came back from vacation :0( dern! good luck~ this too will grow :0)

duchess said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your catastrophe. Are there any really cute short cuts you'd like to try? Now's the time.
Hope your week gets off to a good start.

marta said...

haircuts and airlines don't seem to mix well with the stiesta! i love your hair and can't imagine that thick luxurious hair going bad. please let us vote. give us a glamour shot.

Unknown said...

Christie! That's why I ALWAYS have anxiety when it comes to cutting my hair! My last haircut was the first time I walked away actually happy that I'd cut my hair. I almost always leave in tears. I'm sure you look good, though. And I REALLY want to see pictures!

Hazen5 said...

What, all that and no pictures!!! You are killing me!

Unknown said...

I am sooooo sorry! But that is part of the reason why I have had the same hairstyle since high school. What if I finally chop it and it looks terrible? At least I am used to my bad hair days now.....


Chatter said...

Proof that I've most likely had a worse experience than you and PICTURES to verify. I'm sure you look great and I'll probably want to smack you when I see how cute you look. Bring on the photo's.

Anonymous said...

It is such a hard adjustment when you have a haircut that is NOT what you ordered. I know that you will be able to make the cut look fabulous! You really could pull anything off.

Ilene said...

I have yet to get my hair done since moving... I now live in Idaho, you know.

Good luck. The good thing about hair is that it will grow...

Jenibelle said...

First of all...exactly what part of you is fat and jiggly? I don't see it.

Nothing, nothing, nothing is worse than a bad haircut. You could always just shave it all off, get a wig for a while and start over. Wouldn't THAT shock Hannah, if it all grew in over night?

It will grow, and you have a great story out it. I'm not going to offer to take Hannah, she would be brutal on my already fragile self-esteem.

the wrath of khandrea said...

damn, girl.

Wendi said...

Hilarious as usual!
I just read the last post...and clearly you are over reacting.
It. is. fabulous.

christina-defining moments said...

I am so sorry! I hate trying to find a new stylist! No matter what anyone says it is your hair and you should be able to do with it what you cjoose. I feel the only time a stylist has a right to tell you their opinion is if you have a relationship with them and then it is still iffy. You do not have a fat neck!!

3leftturns said...

Better to have a fat neck than a fat head.

I go to great clips... they keep a database of "The Andy" so I just say "The Usual". Of course there was the time I tried to get a flat-top. The stylist said that she didn't want to do it because it was too hard. I made her do it anyway and tipped her double to make her feel guilty about giving me crap.

Anonymous said...


There are a few things you must remember:
(1) Always listen to the husband.
(2) If a so-called stylist tells you that you have a fat neck, tell them you are going to take your fat wallet somewhere else.
(3) You can never go wrong with a gay stylist. (This is from my wife. I have a differing opinion.)
(4) You are too cute to be diminished by a lame cut.
(5) Never post the rack.

To the people in Idaho who don't have a good stylist:
I'd give you her name, but then my wife would have an even harder time getting in--and when she did, she would leave an even bigger tip. (Sorry.)