Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I am three days sober. Pass me a celebratory donut, will you?

Hi. My name is Christie, and I am a food-a-holic.

Hi, Christie.

(That was your line, by the way)

I have spent the better part of the last six months indulging my inner she-devil. You know the one. The one that convinces you it will be okay to make just one more batch of cookies. Or brownies. Or an 8,000-calorie coconut cake, for that matter.

I have also given her full reign over the restaurant menus and ordered things that were decidedly not green. Things that were chock-full of delicious carbs and fat. Things that were served with a side order of french fries. Buried under a mound of cheese. Topped with a half-gallon of sauce. Smothered in sugar and ice cream. Deep fried and wrapped in a chocolate burrito.

You get the point.

She has been my long-time companion, sitting idly on my shoulder, shouting out her temptations. And, true to form, that devilish fiend was nowhere to be found one morning when I questioned her judgement after not being able to button up my favorite jeans. She's such a fair weather companion, that one. Always ready to help me pile on the pounds; not around to take any of the blame.

So, I boldly stared at my chubby face in the mirror, and said ENOUGH.

And that was three days ago.

With three days under my belt, I can now remember that it feels good to eat well. I find myself much more able to crawl out of bed in the morning to face life (and the scale) when I'm eating healthy. I have more energy. I feel prettier. And let's face it: I'm a nicer wife and mom.

I know that I am a food addict. I crave the bad food. I dream about it. I experience a rush of pleasure every time I indulge myself in it. And, sadly, when the rush ends and all that remains is a belly ache, I feel the guilt. I feel sick. I hate myself. I have battled this demon most of my life and know how the cycle plays itself out. And still, knowing that never seems to make it any easier. It's just hard.

When your penchant runs to food, you can't eliminate the addiction from your life. You have to manage it, reason with it, and keep it in bounds. It's hard to abstain when you have to eat a little of your drug of choice every day to survive. When you have to prepare it for others.

So I'm taking it one day at a time (and sometimes, one hour at a time). I'm determined to do this. I'm going to get this beast back in her cage before the real demon rears its ugly head: HALLOWEEN CANDY BARS.

Lord give me strength.

32 comments:

melissa said...

are you allowed to start dieting this close to halloween?
i have purposely not bought a single piece of candy for halloween yet. but those peanut butter cups are CALLING TO ME. all the way from target! THEY ARE!

Chatter said...

You are not alone. I just started a bet with my sister just so I would start practicing some self control. It's fantastic and if you want in on it send me an email. If I don't do this I binge on whatever sounds good. And I have not been working out. They don't mix. At all.

Such a vicious cycle it is. Eat. Feel sick. Mad. Feel ugly & fat. Repeat.

Good luck!!
Chandra

brooke said...

Your title made me laugh because that is so how I think. Food is always my reward, even when I'm trying to eat healthy.

I over-did it last night at gourmet dinner night and I have a total gut bomb this morning. Some day I'll learn to restrain myself.

This year, I have deliberately not bought any Halloween candy yet. I'm not buying it until Halloween day. In past years, I have single handedly downed two humongous Costco bags of candy bars on my own. Scary.

Best of luck to you. Congrats for three days on the wagon. Keep it up!

Rosie said...

Oh, Christie, I hear you. My wake up call came in July. I have the same relationship with food as you, but over the summer I coupled that with skirts with elastic waistbands. I was dumbfounded when I attempted to put on some jeans and they wouldn't go past my thighs. It was in the middle of my cliche conversation with Robert about the dryer shrinking my clothes when it dawned on me. The clothes weren't the problem. I ran (waddled) to the scale and found that I had gained 20 pounds! And it showed!

Anyway, I do feel better when I eat healthy. I have more energy when I exercise. But sometimes, a batch of cookie dough or a piece of bread or a cheeseburger deep fried and wrapped in a chocolate burrito sounds so, so good.

Maybe we should start training for the Minneapolis Marathon?

Michelle said...

me too, honey, me too.

Like you, I always exercise. Always. So I think I deserve a little treat. Just a bite, a nibble. But the nibbles add up and one day my pants don't fit. Then I get all righteous and totally eliminate sugar for a few weeks. I drop a few pounds but no more. And I start thinking-- 'why am I torturing myself when I'm not losing weight?" and I go back to a few nibbles, just a bit here and there and next thing I know my pants are tight again...

I'm working on figuring it all out. I'll let you know.

Christina B. said...

I can SO relate to everything you wrote (you just explained it a lot better than I could have). It is such a battle. And I admire how good you are at it. You remind me not to give up either.

♥Shally said...

Um. Ya.

Trying to do this around the holidays?? Seriously?

You are a better woman than I am! :)

Rebecca said...

I just found the best "healthy lifestyle" book--it's called the Game On Diet. Basically, it makes it a game--points for eating healthy, drinking plenty of water, sleeping enough, exercising, changing your habits. Plus you get to break the rules--one day off, one meal off, etc. It's a great plan, IMO, and the book is really funny. And it works!!!

JCW said...

Eaten in between meals, celery curbs sugar cravings and helps control excessive appetite. Eat a couple ribs of celery first and see if you still want all that cookie dough. Also, get plenty of Vitamin D3 to help maintain a healthy weight...I swear by Vitamin D3!

shilo said...

I couldn't have said it better myself. I love food. All of it. And I crave the bad stuff all the time. Being pregnant has only made it worse. I will have to jump on the wagon quick or else I will have a good size post-baby belly BEFORE the holidays even hit. Ahhh!

kayla & tyler said...

Haha, you make me laugh!!! But it's so true, when you eat healthy, you feel MUCH better! but sadly, i don't know of anyone who eats perfectly healthy. it's hard for everyone! GOOD LUCK, you can do it!

Annemarie said...

Uh yea. I HATE that chick. I kicked her out one year ago. She is never invited to come back. She has an evil twin, though that comes around every once in a while and pushes a cookie or two down my throat.
Best wishes with that {bleepity bleep) Halloween candy. I'm right there with you!

Woman Interrupted said...

But we love "that girl"; she is fun to hang out with!

Really? You're going to make us think about this right before the holiday season? I have no backbone when it comes to holiday cookies, turkey and dressing, cool weather cocktails.

Tristan said...

You took the words right out of my mouth! I'm happy to have fellow addicts though ;) Holidays are the worst!!

Anna said...

Send your hitman over here to take down the chubby gal who sits on my shoulder. It gets worse when you are in your forties. I must be in denial because I keep telling myself two donuts won't make a difference. Now I am most unhappy when I look in the mirror. A chubby version of me is not what I want to see looking back at me.

Lindsey said...

Please. More. Inspire me. I have 30pregnancy lbs to lose and my baby is 8 months old! NO MORE EXCUSES. Please help me.

the wrath of khandrea said...

did you just have an intervention with yourself?

cool.

i know you are a control freak like me. you just have to make that work to your advantage. it can be really fun, actually.

the wrath of khandrea said...

plus, this is good timing because i am opening a bakery and i was wondering if i could borrow your recipes.

Hollyween said...

I could have written this. You wrote it much better, of course, bu still.

All the holiday weight gain starts with those innocent looking mini candy bars.

I've eaten an ENTIRE BAG of mini twix in the last 4 days. 4 days!!! And when I went to grab another one today, they were gone.

I feel sick.

Jessica said...

CHubby, schmubby. I've seen your profile picture! You haven't gained a pound in the 3 years I've known you!

And I SO love the bad stuff. I have a sister in law who gets grossed out over cream, fried food and bacon.

She's a size 4, by the way.

Jen said...

It just tastes so good to be so wrong. I'm with you. For the most part, I'm good about what I eat, I do have lapses in judgment though and it's the exercising I have problems with. This body's metabolism ain't what she used to be.

Rae said...

Alright, you've inspired me. I have my food journal out, I'm armed with good quotes and I will start on the healthy path tomorrow. Honestly and sincerely, I really needed this post right about now. I'm starting to feel like I'm wearing a fat suit!!!

Terra said...

come on, you can eat with me, I have a full bowl of candy...all the best...head on over - (just putting a little peer pressure on you)

diane said...

Buy yourself a pair of skinny jeans and wear them every day. Great incentive.

Becky said...

Oh, once I get my normal appetite back I am SO in trouble. Everything will sound good and taste even better with the extra calories burned with nursing the baby. It's all about balance...and moderation,...and IT'S HARD!!!!!!!

Lauren in GA said...

I am very proud of you. This was so well said. (And hilariously said, too. I loved the, "That was your line by the way." and the, "You get the point") I remember telling Tristan on her blog about how I had heard a radio deejay say that she thinks a drug addiction would be easier to kick than a food addiction because you have to have food to survive...and you don't need drugs for survival. I don't mean to make light of a drug addiction because I know it is a disease...but that comment really got me thinking. I have a food addiction and I have struggled my whole life. This post totally spoke to me. Thanks for reminding me that I can feel better if I eat well.

Melissa Walker said...

I am right there with you. I've given myself two months to get rid of the last of my baby weight!

Annie said...

I blame Pioneer Woman. I need to stop making that darn chocolate cake!

Really, you took the thoughts right out of my head. I'm back on the bandwagon but a little scared of the bandwagon at the same time. I'm a little bit tempted to train for a marathon. talk me through it, will you?

p.s. And Andrea cracks me up. Good one, AB.

Cindy said...

Way to go! Hopefully I'm not too far behind you on this quest to abstain from food that isn't at all good for me!

calibosmom said...

I hear ya. I am having a very unhealthy affair with food right now too. Should we start a no sugar contest? After Halloween, oh wait, Thanksgiving. Oh wait, Christmas.

Jenibelle said...

I hate reality checks.

Blazing Goddess said...

I always forget my lines, darn it! Anyway, I ahve always considered food addiction to be particularly unjust. With most behavioral addictions, you can avoid the people and places in which the behavior flourishes (bars, street corners, dark allies, etc.)But where do you go to escape FOOD?! And the holidays are an evil, EVIl time for us. You know, except for the whole Jesus' birth part. That's a good one. He's one of the twelve steps of recovery, too.