Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Never Poke a Sleeping Bear

You know the phrase, "So-and-so is a mean drunk," right?

Well, have you ever heard the phrase, "The Husband So-and-so is a mean sleep?"

Someone I know is a mean sleep. This someone is kind, attentive, thoughtful, and loving.

As long as he is awake.

But when he is deep in the throws of REM, there is a whole other side of his personality that comes out. The first time it happened was near the end of my first pregnancy. It was smack dab in the middle of a bitter Minnesota winter. I was sicker than a dog, and unable to take any medication (due to the pregnancy, and our desire to not have our child born with a third nipple or horns on his head. Because that's what they tell you will happen if you take anything resembling medication while pregnant, you know).

So, one night at about three in the morning, I started coughing.

And coughing.

And coughing. (I don't deny it was annoying.) But this certain someone sits up, shoves me to the very edge of our bed and yells, "KNOCK IT OFF!"

I, of course, immediately curled up in the fetal position and spent the next several hours crying, imagining my impending divorce, and wondering how I would raise my newborn baby all by myself.

And when the sun came up? Mr. I-Have-Rage-When-I-Sleep had no memory of his bad behavior. He was oblivious to the hurt feelings and wounded heart that I had nursed all night. He simply didn't remember. And he felt horrible when he found out.

Over the years, I've been unable to break him of this annoyingly bad habit. Most times, it's merely mumbling and cursing under his breath if something wakes him up unexpectedly. But the latest installment happened a few nights ago. The Husband had fallen asleep in the basement while watching TV. I gently shook his shoulder and asked him (in my sweetest voice, mind you) if he wouldn't like to come upstairs and sleep in his own bed.

He looks at me in a daze, starts grumbling, and says, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

Now.

If I were new to the whole angry sleep thing, I might have been offended. And sad. And ready to call Sleeping Rage-A-Holics Anonymous. But you know what I did? I smiled, laughed, and left him to sleep - alone on the couch, all night.

Because that crook he'll feel in his neck the next morning?

Totally serves him right.

44 comments:

Susy said...

My hubby is the morning monster...Holy cow if I could be any nicer in the morning trying to make him feel good instead of cranky. I would, be but since he is what he is I just ignore him and go on with my day! Just like you and going to bed!

Mel @ A Box of Chocolates said...

Ok, I must admit that is probably more like me. I am a grouch if woken up! You poor thing though being yelled at as you are close to bringing his child into this world. I think a big whack on his head would have been perfect. Thanks for making me chuckle!!

Kimberly said...

What is it with men and their sleep? Devon can sleep through and tune out the kids when they crawl into bed and want to watch early morning cartoons. Babies who wake up screaming and need to be nursed or a sippy of water. He always waked up absolutely refreshed and unphased. Totally not fair! I think a crick in his neck would do him some good too!

diane said...

Hey, I grew up in Minnesota. That weather would make anyone cranky!

♥Shally said...

You are hilarious!!

My brother is that way... and he would "sleep yell" at us all the time. We actually started bugging him on purpose when he slept just to see what he would say! :)

Maren :) said...

This made me laugh. I can just picture the look on your face and then the smile that comes when you know his "sleep meanness" will entertain us for days. Ahh... sweet revenge! That, and the sore neck... (Love that you included a photo!)

I have never been yelled at during the REM stage (although, I have been known to not be so nice when I am tired)... but I have been ELBOWED during some dreams... ouch!☺

Kristy said...

LOL!! My husband is also a "mean sleep." Perhaps he & your husband could be the charter members of Sleeping Rage-A-Holics Anon?? :)
If you wake Joe from a deep sleep, his eyes look crazy...almost thru you, & he can be quite ugly. He, too, claims no memory. He can also say some pretty crazy, yet funny, things.
Good to know I'm not alone!

Sincerely Anna said...

I get such a kick out of the way you write and you had me laughing the whole way through this post. I'm the mean sleep in our family and one time my husband got an elbow right in his eye. And I have no memory of it whatsoever. Well, that's my story at least :)

Lindsey said...

That was sooooooo funny. I don't know how you get away with posting that kind of stuff. I posted once...not long ago... that my husband wasn't...well...handy... and he got SOOOOOOOOO mad that he has now boycotted my blog and refuses to read it because I am so MEAN. (I guess he is the sensitive type) So, how do you get away with posting THIS! You are amazing! (And hilarious)

Lisa @ Take90West said...

So funny, I can totally relate. My husband seems to suffer some type of Vietnam flashbacks when he is woken from a deep sleep.

Annemarie said...

I think I may have just peed my pants a little laughing so dard at this!!! Cuz I've got his evil sleeping twin at my house...I read this to him & he had the audacity to laugh, too.

I have that same couch!

Robyn said...

Ha ha! That's so funny....and I'm glad none of your children have third nipples or horns (right?) Thanks for the laugh!

Denae (a.k.a. D-dawg) said...

I have a friend who's husband accidently hit her in the eye in the middle of the night when he was in a sleep state and she had a black eye- I would be scared to have him in bed with me! Luckily Dave just says goofy and annoying things-no yelling. I think it's good you left him on the couch.

Holly said...

LOL!! I needed a good laugh. In our family, I'm actually the weird sleeper. I'm not necessarily angry or mean, but according to my husband: I talk in my sleep, I sit up and point at non-existent things and I thrash. I, of course, plead the fifth as I have no recollection of doing any of these things in the morning!

Annie said...

Now those are some lovely natural consequences!

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

This is too funny! Yes, I would say let the sleeping bear sleep!
A video of him doing it might be something that could come in handy in a time of need sometime later in your life!

Becky said...

Ha ha ha ...oh my gosh...that is funny Christie. That is sad, ...me picturing you all sad and hurt in the night. This means he is a DEEP sleeper I am thinking. Wow.

danandcindy said...

I think Josh has every right to be pissed off at you. You just took a photo of him sleeping, and posted it on the WORLD WIDE WEB. Have you no respect for the man's privacy?

I'm wondering if Josh wasn't quite asleep when you took this little photo, and maybe there was some conscious substance to his whatthehelldoyouwant?

Just a little something for you to think about next time you come up with a great idea for your blog.

Rae said...

When DK and I were first married I was unaware of his sleep walk/talk issues. One morning I woke up and he was lying on top of the covers fully dressed yet asleep. He even had his shoes on. I woke him up and asked what was going on. He had no recollection. I thought he had gone out during the night and had a little fling! I too was thinking divorce and how was I going to explain that our marriage only lasted a few short months!!! Over the years I have learned the more stressed he is the more crazy things he does in his sleep! BTW, how's hubby's neck? :)

Ilene said...

Amen.

I snore when I am pregnant and my husband pushed and yelled at me on night during my first pregnancy except I semi fell off the bed. I cried at his heartless behavior too.

The thing that annoys me most about angry sleep is the fact that my husband tends to nap on the couch right where the children and I are and then gets upset when things get noisy. I used to try to keep the children quiet for him but now I don't. He has a bed.

Hazen5 said...

I love, love, love this post! Hits a little too close to home though. Too funny how the T.V. controller is right in reach.

Michael said...

I once punched a friend in the middle of the night at a sleep over. He tried waking me up, and I apparently would have nothing of it.

*jimaie.marie* said...

omg. this is my ex EXACTLY!!!!!

i thot he was the only evil sleeper! good to know he wasn't just hating me in his sleep, it's a real condition ;)

Lauren said...

You are so right...just leave him on the couch and flee...and enjoy having your bed all to yourself :)

I love that you took his picture...maybe sometime you should video tape him when he gets woken up...unless he gets violent and tries to hit you with the camera or something.

Lisa-Marie said...

Your blog is better than television. You crack me up. Hope his neck is alright. Or maybe not.

Amanda D said...

That was so hilarious! Thanks so much for sharing. I have never heard of such a thing as "sleep rage." That cracks me up. The best part is that you got the bed to yourself!

Anna said...

I don't believe it. That doesn't sound like the J we know and love. hahaha Be happy he doesn't spend 12 months in a combat zone. M came home after 12 months in Iraq and talked in his sleep, I genlty placed my hand on his shoulder to remind him he was home in his own bed, he shot up and grabbed me by both wrists, flung me on my back asking "who's at the perimeter?"

Diane said...

Sleeping Rage-A-Holics Anonymous?! I'll have to look that one up in our area. Although this hasn't happened in a long long time. Only once can I remember your dear uncle standing (sleeping) at the bedroom window. All I did was ask him what he was doing (very nicely, I might add). After a few times asking him, he answered very abruptly "Oh just go to heck!" Yes, he said heck! He couldn't even swear in his sleep! It still made me mad though. I ended up on the couch and he wondered what I was doing out there in the morning.

Ashlee said...

So funny! Have you tried hypnosis? :0)

Maren :) said...

I was just reading a few of your comments... (I know, get a life)... anyway, I think Anna has us ALL beat!

Emily said...

I always love me a little "mean sleep" story. Love the latest installment!

gab said...

We're DEFINITELY related. I am a mean sleeper and (according to another sis-in-law) I vomit just like Micah. Lovely.

Why didn't I get ANY good genes?

Bridget said...

I remember hearing this story from you about Josh getting mad at the coughing. I love it. Maybe Josh needs sleepy dude? He has a nice kind voice. It may rub off.

Kristin said...

Too funny, my man always wakes up yelling for orders to be placed, or nursed to gt something, or talking about his next operation. It scared me at first, but now I just laugh and write it down, to blog about it later.

Rosie said...

He looks so cute on the couch cuddling with the pillows, why would you disturb him?

Laurie said...

So funny!! I don't have a Sleeping-Rager at my house, just a guy who falls asleep while I'm talking. The nerve.

katie said...

awesome story! lol. I, too, have a mean sleeper. I never thought it was an epidemic. They should all be in a club.

Ty is horribel. And over things like that... coughing. Something I can't help. He will say to me, sick, in the middle of the night... go in the other room. I'm in bed. Sick. In the middle of the night. I just say... no, you go. And he does.

Problem solved.

andrea said...

it's all a ruse. it's a way of releasing inner anger. he needs therapy. or a good kick in the ass.

you are such a good writer. i love the part about you laying in bed imagining your impending divorce. hilarious.

Jessica said...

Same husband here.

My kids SO steer clear of him in the middle of the night.

3leftturns said...

How would you like to be woken up from a good dream? Maybe Josh was president and he got rid of taxes, the Clintons and Global Warming? Maybe he was superman saving metropolis?

I'm siding with him on this one... What the HELL do you want? Amen, Brother!

Wendi said...

I am the mean sleeper around here!
I. need. my. sleep.
I haven't had any in like 10 years.
I have a right to be grumpy.

Mama C. said...

You, my dear, have the patience of Job. If my husband ever did that to me (sleeping or no), he'd be chucked off the bed so hard he'd leave a smear of drool on the bedroom wall! :)

It TOTALLY serves him right! ;) I hope you enjoyed the luxury of stretching out on that bed all by yourself! :)

C.

Kimberly said...

LOL. I have never heard anything quite like that before.

pinkmommy said...

I so could have written this.