Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Where's a good curse word when I need one?

At the risk of being put on the naughty list, I offer this simple, declarative statement that sums up my feelings today:

I. hate. everything.

I had lovely posts planned this morning that would share our happenings over Thanksgiving, let you see the holiday decor of my home, and entertain you with wit and humorous stories galore.

Instead, I offer this little nugget from my morning.

Imagine, if you will, that it is about 8:30 in the a.m.

I had just taken Hannah to school and was trying to decide if I should start a load of laundry before (miraculously) hopping on the treadmill. My cell phone rings and all hello kitty breaks loose.

The plumber was upstairs installing the boys' bathroom faucets. Apparently, the faucets that I picked out would not fit where the granite guys had drilled the holes. And, lucky for me, the plumber had bent the crap out of the faucets trying to get them in, rendering them likely unreturnable.

Seeing as how our contractor marks up any fixtures that he purchases for us to the tune of about 30 percent, we opted to purchase all those ourselves.

When I first saw these faucets, I fell head-over-heels for them. They were funky and cool, yet totally went with the rest of the bathroom. It had taken me weeks to even convince the boys to let me put them in there in the first place. Now, I was being told that I couldn't have them and would need to pick something else. Oh, and would I hurry and do it right now because the plumber would only wait for a few more minutes before leaving?

Right as I was pondering if I had time to brush my teeth, the electrician informed me that the light fixtures [the ones I had made a special trip to purchase last night!] for the boys' closets were the wrong ones and would not pass inspection.

Nice.

So, in yesterday's ponytail, my paint-stained sweat pant pajamas, and NO BRA, I headed to Lowes. Not really caring at this point what I got, I searched for faucets that would match the holes already drilled. And, tragically, the only ones that matched the other plumbing fixtures in the bathroom were eleventy kajillion billion dollars.

Grumbling under my breath, I grabbed the fixtures.

Next I stampeded my stinky self over to the light section and (with the help of a probably frightened clerk) found what I needed there.

Remembering the electrician's counsel that I should grab some florescent bulbs for them, as well, I added a few of those to my now-precarious stack.

Here is a visual for your viewing pleasure:

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Rounding the corner, boobies jiggling and hair flying, I hurried towards the check out stands. As if in some Murphy's Law super slow-mo, the light bulb on top of the stack went careening off like a suicidal maniac and dove for the floor.

Shown here:

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Going...going...

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Gone.

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Not having any free hands, I watched it fall like a dummy. It landed with a crash, and shards exploded in a five foot radius around me.

Trying to keep the tears from spilling, I gathered the empty light bulb box and headed back to retrieve another.

Because, hello? Not making another effing trip to this effing store looking like this.

Setting the large pile on the counter, I informed the clerk of the breakage and offered to pay for the light bulb I had broken.

I paid and, to my horror, watched as the genius clerk bagged up the empty box of glass shards for me to take home with the others.

Pretty sure I won't be needing that.

Whatever.

The best part of the day? An hour later, the electrician walks up and asks if I have nine 40-watt light bulbs for the chandelier they are replacing in the foyer.

Frick. Frack. Frock.

Somebody please kill me.

30 comments:

Lauren in GA said...

Bless your heart, girlie. I would say my usual, "bless your cotton socks"...but according to the diagram you weren't wearing socks.

Oh, my gosh. Cartoon Stie is hilarious. You have incredible skills. I love your detailed pictures.

I cannot believe that idiot put your box of glass shards in your bag.

I hope nobody kills you like your requested, though...your death would mean a devestating loss to the blog world. We can not go on without you.

Annemarie said...

Want me to swear for you??? I will even do it bra less in honor of you.

Jeanelle said...

You win - your day is way worse than mine. I'm sorry...and I adore you...and I'm thinking you were still probably cuter than 92% of the people at that store (and the old men probably LOVED the jiggling lady bits to, well, bits.) xoxo

Cynthia said...

I wish all blog entries all over the world were illustrated so well.

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious. Seriously, funnier than anyone I know. Sorry for the bad day, but you sure made mine with the diagrams!

-- a longtime lurker

Anonymous said...

wow... what problems you have. Diamond shoes too tight?

Christie said...

No, my diamond shoes are just fine, thank you for asking. Ever since I flew to Zimbabwe and had them hand sewn for me by village orphans. Who I did not pay. Because I am super awesome and rich and ungrateful like that.

Stefani said...

Hello Kitty... I'm going to use that one...

Julianna said...

I'm gonna gues that you know exactly who the 2nd Anonymus is. :)

But next time you go, can you pick me up a pair? I'm thinking they would have protected my foot when I was cooking 3 different meals tonight for dinner and had the hot oil splatter out of the pan and onto my super absorbant sock.

Blisters formed instantly. Needless to say, I think I have your swearing covered.

Lesa said...

Your response to Anonymous was funnier than your post! This post reminds me why I would never build my dream home and keeps me from remodeling. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Christie said...

No, Julianna, I have no idea who the second anonymous was. I really appreciate them though. So nice. :-)

danandcindy said...

Next time, please put on a bra at least, so you nasty lady bits don't have to be part of your story.

Rachel said...

What an awful day! I"m so sorry. :( But thanks for sharing it with us, because well, it's nice knowing I'm normal. :) I hope you have a MUCH better day tomorrow!

Love your blog too, by the way!

danandcindy said...

Hey, everybody... She's not lying about the village orphans in Zimbabwe. She goes there all time for new shoes.

danandcindy said...

Hey, everybody... She's not lying about the village orphans in Zimbabwe. She goes there all time for new shoes.

brooke said...

Sam and I spent a year in marriage counseling after our remodel (I kid you not) and this is why.

Christina B. said...

Sorry your morning was so crazy! I am impressed with your drawings too! :) I can't believe the clerk wanted to give you the broken light bulb!!

Tristan said...

I'm so sorry that you had a bad day. I appreciate your humor in it though. I will swear up a storm just for you! Although that wouldn't necessarily be anything new for me ;-)

Dalene said...

Oh, dear. Thanks for sharing so that we can chuckle at your unfortunate morning. I wish I could articulate my day as humorously but, alas, today I can find no humor in my jiggly saggy women bits. Hope tomorrow is better for you. LOVE YOU!!!

danandcindy said...

Adam Carolla does a fine job of describing your anonymous commenter...

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/hear-the-edited-version-of-adam-carollas-epic-rant/

Cathy said...

Well, that's just crappy. But did you have time to drive thru McDonald's on the way home for a Diet Coke? That's the important part. Also, this is what makes me happy I have the boobies of a 10-year-old.

Thelma said...

I'm sorry for your troubles...is it a consolation that your Christmas card arrived and it delighted me? Funny and beautiful at the same time.

Amy at Ameroonie Designs said...

perhaps the bagger thought you were a DIY genius who would somehow transform those broken bits into something incredibly interesting and heretofore unknown to man? No? Well, then he's just dumb. Glad you didn't cut yourself. ;)
xoxo,
Amy

christina-defining moments said...

Thank goodness I'm not the only one that goes to the home improvement store like that! I have one that I could walk to but there is a huge hill coming back so I would rather drive the 45 seconds there but one day I had to go there 5 times dressed like a homeless person while trying to work on a project. Some days...

Florence Parker said...

I always have jiggly bits. Between nursing and living on an island, I wear a bra about 4 times a month...well, not counting the exercise bra, but that comes off the instant I get home. I figure when I'm eighty we'll all look the same, so why not be comfy. Gravity always wins. Maybe they gave you the shards, so they wouldn't have to call the Hazardous Materials crew to dispose of it, since the fluorescents have mercury in them. Sorry for your awful day, but thanks for the awesome post. Love your diamond shoes comment, as well. Clever, you are.

brooke said...

Hey Stie,

I am going to pick up a star wreath for my sister today..will you shoot me an email if you want one as well...they are 36 bucks.

Thanks,

Brooke

mae said...

Well I guess you never know when you might need a shattered light bulb...what an idiot.

I have for sure made trips to the hardware store looking like your cartoon. That was mighty funny.

Joy & Casey said...

Why wasn't I with you??? Sorry about your experience..sounds like experiences I always had with you!!! Thanks for the laugh! Love you!

Lala said...

Thanks for sharing for sad morning. It made my day. =) And Dan, too.

jessica said...

Oh that so deserves more than a few curses! What a hideous experience...I am so ticked off for you!